It's my second Valentine’s Day since my break-up and of being single. I’m not fussed over it, I find it too commercial. These days I spend V Day with my children, we share a little love heart chocolate and this year we went out for afternoon tea. My life is exactly where I want to be. I am living the life I desire. I am empowered every day with my choices and love life.
So why did I have a meltdown this Valentine’s Day?
It all started when I decided to by a blower vac, so I could move the debris from the tree out the front of my house. The thing is I can do anything! I now kill spiders, no worries… even though they scare the heck out of me. I can build furniture from a flat box, done and dusted. I can cook, clean, iron, and call on good ol' Charlie to mow my grass and clean up the yard. You see I will call on the help of professionals when needed, this gives me time to do things I am good at and also spend quality time with my children. But on Saturday I decided to buy a blower for when Charlie isn’t around cleaning up my yard.
The blower made me realise being in a relationship does not define who you are! I know…
Here I was putting the blower together with my son, reading the instructions, purchased the petrol and oil all good to go. Out I went to do a bloody great job of clearing the front yard only to have the blower* not work! Ok try again, and I did this over and over to no success.
Then the tears started, not just a few running down my face, here I was a blubbering mess. Saying to myself, oh I need a man in my life, I can’t do this…
Off I went to the bathroom and had a little sob, it had been some time since I sobbed, I was sobbing for the feeling of being helpless for the first time in a long time, and I was having these thoughts of not having someone in my life right when I needed it, feeling sorry for myself. Once I released my tears and accepted my feelings, I realised I don’t need a relationship to work a blower or whatever else I need.
I was missing a person so he could start the blower… Please!
I took charge and made sense of the moment. I meditated and grounded myself. I flipped my negative thoughts into positive ones. I have choices in life and I have chosen to look after myself and my children. I choose not to be in a relationship right now and it is exactly what I want.
So what I am trying to say, you will have a moments and when you do, you need to acknowledge how you feel, not ignore it. Even someone who does have her shit together can have a moment and that is ok. Acknowledging your feelings, fears and everything in between is something we try to avoid. We were brought up to put on a happy face and deny our feelings, and when we do this we hide them and so they fester and re-emerge into anxiety and depression and we don’t want to be in this situation.
I know the pain from a break-up is real, you have lost someone and it leaves a gap in your life. The loneliness can feel unbearable at times. You want to push your feelings away and hope for them to disappear. We need to feel them though, as hard as that may seem. You need to allow yourself to feel your emotions, cry, scream whatever you need to do to release the feelings.
Today I was telling myself things that were not true. I had limiting beliefs of me and relationships. By having limiting beliefs it limits us from the true feelings. We start to tell ourselves ‘I am not good enough’, ‘I’m worthless’, ‘I’m a loser’ and so on. When you start to hear yourself talk in this way as I did today, you need to ask yourself “What am I telling myself about this pain”, “How do I feel when I believe these beliefs about myself”.
A great tool to try is say out loud your negative beliefs and then imagine your best friend or someone you respect is with you, what would they say to you? say that out loud. The positive feedback, not this victim voice you are telling yourself.
Remember to always be true to yourself. It is ok to feel what you want to push under the rug, lift it up and feel. I promise you when you do, you have this new feeling of empowerment. You start to trust yourself and you realise, life is good.
A relationship doesn't define who you are, you define who you are.
* the blower did survive during today, however it was faulty and taken back to the shop and I moved on with my life in a happy positive way, the way I know, and Charlie will continue to clear my front yard for now!
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