I decided to check out and this is what happened…

Recently I have been through a roll coaster of emotions.  Not because of a break-up but because of my body.  It was getting to a point that when family and friends would come to me for support I just couldn’t cope. I remember a friend say to me, “But you are the most positive person I know!” Yes I am, but I was so caught up in the sadness and the unknown of what was happening to my body that I decided to checkout and at first didn’t even realise it…

I pretty much checked out of life.
Was it the right thing to do? 
Was it selfish?

I started Joanne Michelle, a service to support women going through a break-up, I did this because there wasn’t much around in external support when I was going through my own divorce.  And I felt like I was going through that emotion again, only this time I was breaking up with my body.  It’s been tough the past few months, coming to terms with the nasties of severe endometriosis taking over my everyday life, when the rest of me was healthy.  Also coming to terms with major surgery in June one that will change my life in more ways than just eliminating the disease.

Being a single mum is tough, at times it sucks, especially when you are unwell.  Asking for help is one we never want to do, because if we do are we failing? Right? So throw a major health scare in there and stresses of everyday life of the unknown, and you have yourself a little bit of crazy.

Now that I look at the past few months I realise I wasn’t being me at all.  It, I say had a lot to do with the medication I was given.  It was throwing myself out of sorts, and with that, came the, not coping, the anxiety, the attitude and the stress of everyday life.  

So I distracted myself from the mundane of everyday life.

I was at a point where I had stopped caring, I didn’t really share what I was doing, I didn’t speak to anyone how I was feeling.  Was this the right thing to do?  Honestly probably not, checking out did give me time to spend with myself and reconnect.  It gave me the space, as selfish as it may have seen to others, to regroup, to try to understand what is happening to me.  Independent, strong, healthy woman in her 40’s was struggling, and now looking back, I guess was part of the process of accepting my body.

Was I losing it, or was I just being human?

The realisation, that I cannot control everything, and the realisation that right now I am in a place where I need to be kind to myself and to trust the process, was liberating, but it didn’t happen overnight.  Even though I fear the process of uncertainty, I know the outcome if all goes well will be good.  It’s a situation I cannot control, it’s a situation I needed to let go of and accept.

What would we do without meditation?

It’s a little like a relationship break-up.  The fear for the unknown is hell scary, it hurts and we have a rollercoaster of emotions that at times we cannot control in the beginning.  But working on yourself a little each day, helps. So I found myself just recently going back to how I treated myself when I was going through my separation. I found journaling more again and reading more.  Traveling alone. Moving my body, although not exercising like I would normally but getting out and walking.  Eating well, consistently meditating.  and… detoxing from social media and relationships.

Social media is it a nasty beast?

One of the biggest lessons from this time of healing and acceptance, was taking myself off social media. And even though I have gone back on for Joanne Michelle, I have chosen to not reconnect personally again for now.  By detoxing from social media, gave me more headspace.  I am sure most of you do this, we go on for a few minutes and then find ourselves on there for 2 hours, and worst, checking out Uncle Bob’s best friends, brothers, cousins page… We want to share our life, but the reality is are we really sharing what we are feeling? Or how we want to feel? Do you post your ‘happy life’, but the reality is it is nothing like that at all…  Is that healthy? Do you see what a friend is up to and wish you were doing that and more? It has become an obsession with some and really a time wasting experience and for me one of a distraction but not in the good way.

Social media can become toxic, along with some people in our lives, and most importantly our mindset. By letting go, being kinder to ourselves and changing our mindset you will find the fog you may have not even known you had disappear and the weight of the stress and worry has been lifted.

I want to share with you one of the most inspiring women in my life. Louise Hay.  Her book I grabbed to read again during this roll coaster time ‘You can heal your Life’.  This book was a reminder to dedicate the love I have for all to myself too.  To listen to my body and thoughts and be present today.
We must live with purpose and understand we deserve the best in our life.

The positive right now is that I have accepted my body, I am kinder to myself and honestly feel like me again. 
I will embrace what is to come and trust the process.

Whatever you are going through at the moment, check in with yourself, which may actually mean to check out for a little bit, in a healthy way.  Checking out and reconnecting could be the beginning to finding out what you are feeling from inside and not just a surface thing.

Are you getting the right support*?  Do you need to check out? What is it that you need to work through?

Remember you’re not alone and best of all, you will get through this.

* If you are feeling unwell or uncertain, please contact your Doctor today.

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