I recently attended a family celebration and my father mentioned my ex-spouse in a conversation and he looked at me and said “Oh sorry for mentioning him”. I looked at him and said “That is fine, it doesn’t bother me”. It was all positive, yet here my father thought I would be upset.
It made me think how far I have come since my marriage ended over two years ago.
I can’t believe where the time has gone? The time has been filled with loneliness but also comfort and love and a whole lot of soul searching.
I try to think about how I was at the beginning of my separation to where I am now. So much has happened and changed within me and even though the marriage and family broke down, we are so much better off.
No one wants a marriage to end, and especially when children are involved. Sometimes it’s just easier to stay... the thought of leaving the family home, breaking up the family unit, having to get out of your comfort zone even if it’s not great, it sometimes seems like the right thing to do by staying. But when you start losing respect for yourself and your spouse, leaving can be the best thing to do.
Hard is an understatement, it was the worst thing to happen in my life. But at the same time it was the best thing. We argued, cried, it was confusing at times, but at the end of the day, the respect for yourself is the most important. The children will be fine. There is nothing worse than having your children surrounded by parents who argue all the time and parents who have lost respect for each other. Children are better off having two parents who live in a happy home separately.
Over time my relationship with my ex-spouse has become more civilized, civilized because we love our children. Civilized because we respect ourselves. Civilized because it’s a hell of a lot easier to live life.
Time is key. It takes time, it took some time to go from a broken heart and a broken home to a grateful heart and a loving home.
I remember, moving into my new house that became my new home really hard at first to accept. I didn’t enjoy staying there especially when my children weren’t there. It took me about 6 months.. 6 long months. I would walk about the house feeling like it wasn’t home. Any chance I had I wasn’t there. But over time I started to set things up in the house more and looked after the garden and it slowly became a home for myself and my children. I realised it does take time when we adjust from our home with the whole family to a home with a new family dynamic.
I’m independent, but I started becoming more independent. Now I had to realise I couldn’t just ask him for an opinion or guidance or support. It took time to realise no one defines who you are, you can do anything and everything yourself. If you can’t physically do it, book someone to!
I started to know my worth. Being alone and not in a relationship gives you a chance to find out who you are… The good and the bad. It has been a wonderful journey to realise I am going to be ok and can take on anything that comes my way. I started respecting myself more, working out what I want in life, my vision for the future, my goals, and my plan. The liberating feeling of knowing what you are worth empowers you to live the life you want whatever that may be.
My health and fitness became better. I was pretty healthy and fit anyway, sure at the beginning of the break-up I would have moments where I would rebel on my diet and fitness, as I was sorting out my head, but no one wants to live a life slumped and unmotivated, and especially when you no longer have the support in your home with your children. Looking after my health and fitness makes me have more energy and gives me clarity in life. When you have a clean diet your life seems to be worth so much more.
So today, I enjoy who I am, love my home with my children and can now ask my ex-spouse advice and we support each other’s opinions and decisions when it comes to our children.
What I have learnt over the past two years is that it gets better, give it time, but most importantly respect yourself and your whole family. You will sleep better at night and your future will look much brighter. Holding onto anger and resentment won’t serve you, it will only prolong you from living a fulfilled life of happiness and love.