photo courtesy of today.com
With the recent divorce news of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt making headlines around the world, I ask you, is it anyone’s business? Well of course! With their celebrity status, we all want to know right? But coming out of a divorce myself I really don’t want to read or hear about it, I don’t care why it happened, who did what in the marriage? What’s happening between them now? And where are they going? But I guess human nature makes us a little curious…
Are you going through a divorce and feel like a celebrity?
And why does it have to be everyone’s business?
The early days of a divorce are always the hardest but as time passes, your days will feel less painful and less frequent, and more and more good days begin to show up. Your insecurities of your divorce start to ease and the feeling of being a celebrity in your circle starts to diminish. Once you begin to have more confident within yourself and your divorce is coming to an end or has finished, you begin to realise you are coping better and actually thriving, which is so empowering and liberating. In other words the celebrity feeling won’t last, and you begin to get through the feelings of everyone knows and I can’t bear it anymore.
I have written a previous blog about curious friends and how they do not help you get through a divorce, but through the media I can imagine it would be a hell of a lot harder.
Going through your own divorce can have you carrying a mixed bag of emotions and the talk and gossip of others can make it so much harder to deal with, even though you may not be the centre of attention with media, it can still have the same affect.
So whether you are a celebrity with the media knocking on your door or a suburban housewife with friends knocking on your door, it is no one’s business unless you want to share it. But what if you are feeling hurt and worried that others are taking an interest in your divorce right now?
How do you keep your sanity through your divorce and shut out the ones you don’t want to know your business? Check in with yourself and ask these questions:
These questions are really important, and by checking in, and getting real with yourself when you feel the whole world is watching you and wanting to know what is going on will help you cope a lot easier. Take your time with these questions and revisit them from time to time. Knowing who is in your life during your divorce to see if they are truly supporting you or draining you will give you a good indication if in fact it is none of their business.
Something to be mindful of and I hear it too often is note who you communicate with about your divorce. One trap some find themselves in, is talking to others who have gone through a divorce, which is natural, but the thing is, they may start talking about what they went through including their settlement details, and before you know it, you are sharing your own details whether you want to or not. It can become messy as everyone’s situations are different, which means every settlement is different, and when it’s different, people want to know more.
Are you a celebrity in your own circle of friends?
There maybe times where you know others are talking about your divorce, about you, about your ex-spouse, but do yourself a favour, even if it does hurt, you need to accept that they are making it their business and let it go. Yes you may care, but you shouldn’t.
By taking control of your divorce and checking in regularly with yourself you will be ok.
Being newly single can have its moments of feeling lonely sad, and unloved. The questions arise and I hear them too often. “No one will love me”. “I am not worthy.” “I don’t want to die alone”. Of course no one wants to hear or feel like that! But by saying it often to yourself and to others, you will only put up a wall and you will find it difficult to love.
I always say love begins with yourself first. You will thrive and be loved, feel worthy, and know you will never ever die alone.
There will always be others who will either judge, or pity you for being single. They may talk or say what’s wrong with her, why hasn’t she moved on, or I wish she would find someone to make her happy. Make her happy!
The false sense people develop from single women is that we are lonely and unhappy. Look I can’t speak for every single woman out there, but I can speak for you who have been through a break-up and tell you, you will not be able to move forward without truly loving yourself first. And it doesn’t mean finding love with another. Being a single woman can be very liberating and empowering, just love yourself first.
You need to appreciate yourself.
You need to like yourself, and with liking yourself you can love yourself.
It can be difficult at first after your break-up. I was there. Here I was 40 and single, my ex-spouse and I were no longer together. I felt very unloved and unworthy and found myself having moments of saying the nasty words of no one will love me, I am not worthy, I don’t want to die alone, doubting my future, but I did like who I was, I hadn’t for a long time, that was for sure.
I gave myself time to heal. I spent time with myself. It felt really foreign at first, but by giving myself time for me, to go for a walk, a run, the gym, yoga, joining a meditation group, going out with girlfriends and making new connections along the way, all of these commitments to myself made a huge difference, it reminded me I like me and I didn’t mind hanging out with myself. And with that, I started to feel connected again not only out in the community as a single woman, but with myself.
To love yourself you must know your worth, you must be able to connect with yourself.
At the beginning, I didn’t like the way I looked in the mirror, looking into my eyes I saw a lost soul… but over time, I would look at myself each day and acknowledge that ‘I love me’. Just single mum Jo. Each day I would write a grateful list of the things in my life that I was grateful for. And each week I would look back at the list.
I ensured I looked after my diet. But again at the beginning when in the first month or so in my new home, red wine and cheese was dinner when my children were at their fathers, but by acknowledging that this wasn’t going to serve me in the long run was a good thing, even if it felt right at the time. With that I started making small changes and I went back to my healthy way of eating.
To love yourself you need to be aware of yourself.
You need to accept yourself including the flaws.
I accepted myself, I acknowledged myself and I started to respect myself.
Another thing that helped me was to clean out my wardrobe. See what clothes I had, and what clothes I didn’t want, I did a wardrobe cleanse. I started to mix and match my outfits and started to take more care in my appearance, and with that the love and appreciation for myself came.
I was thriving. I am thriving! Thriving because I nourish my body. Thriving because I keep my mind and soul at peace with activities that make me feel whole and connected. Thriving because I respect myself and take care of the way I present myself.
These things were not major changes in my life, they are not major changes now, but the biggest change was and still is today, to be self-aware.
You need to have self-awareness. Don’t be scared to be real and check in with yourself daily, hourly if you have to!
If you are not feeling loved, ask yourself, am I nourishing my body? Am I looking after my mind and soul? Am I respecting myself and presenting myself in a way that when I look in the mirror I can truly say ‘I love you’ flaws and all?
“I love and respect myself, all of myself”
If you found this helpful, please share it with others who maybe feeling unloved xx
There was a time after my break-up I found myself having moments of feeling lost, in a slump… or even worst stuck. The unknown of where to from here, and what does the future hold for me scared the heck out of me. A break-up can do this… You start to question everything and while doing that you forget about living your life with purpose.
I’m a big believer we have an opportunity to grow after a break-up. We need to not let a break-up consume us. If you are finding it hard to move forward it maybe you are feeling stuck. You may be allowing the circumstance to control you, when in fact you can control the circumstance with your belief system. Your mindset.
Having the right mindset, you can do anything. You will be unstoppable.
How to do this? Start talking about it with a friend or a coach, start brainstorming, journal what you want to do in life, what could you be doing now? Start making a list and start ticking them off. Having great support can help you become unstuck. A good friend or a coach can be your cheerleader, your accountability partner. You don’t need to do this alone.
I see many women coming out of a relationship not knowing who they are. Going from relationship woman to single woman is overwhelming and can bring anxiety, stress, and worry. But knowing what direction you are going in can bring you joy, excitement and happiness.
The reality is, we do what we put our minds to. But if you say I couldn’t possibility do that, well of course you won’t. I watched a recent talk from Tony Robbins, there was a woman who wasn’t feeling it in life, and he asked her, “When did you define yourself as the person who can’t do the thing you want to do?”
When was it? Being single shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you want to do. Things in life that will make your life magnificent.
If you are a mother you know we tend to put ourselves last, in some cases we don’t do anything for ourselves. But right now after your break-up it’s even more important to put yourself first, if you don’t put yourself first how can you be the best version of yourself? And what about your children? Are you being the best example to your children?
Falling out of a relationship when children are involved is difficult but we need to be a good example to show them how to respectfully break-up with their father. They will grow up and have their own break-up experiences and if we aren’t respectfully falling out of love and respecting ourselves, then its likely they will mimic the same behaviour… If we change our behaviour we change the behaviour of our children. Showing them and yourself, you do have purpose and you can live the magnificent life you desire for yourself will not only change them and have them looking up at you, but it will release the anxiety, stress and worry in your life and you will start to grow, grow into that spectacular woman you dream of.
With the transition, you need to get real with yourself right now and ask yourself the following questions:
WHO AM I RIGHT NOW?
WHAT ARE MY STRENGTHS?
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
WHAT IS ONE THING I ENJOY DOING?
WHAT WOULD MY PERFECT DAY LOOK LIKE?
By focusing on the positives you realise life isn’t that bad and it becomes easier to move forward. We become the person who we believe we are. So if women are believing they are no good, life is hopeless, it’s too hard, it’s going to be that way, and they will be exactly like that. By flipping the thought processes and start believing you are good enough and it will become easier and life is amazing. The change starts to happen.
It’s not going to happen instantly, healing from a breakup takes time. And it’s different for each woman. Each breakup experience is different. Each woman is different. But with a positive mind and a purpose, there is nothing stopping you.
You need to not compare yourself to others. By comparing yourself to another who has been through a break-up or is living as in your eyes happily ever after, is the worst thing you could do for yourself. By giving the compassion, the energy within yourself, how are you able to grow from within and start living the life you desire for yourself?
You need to like who you are! You need to love who you are!
A break-up is an opportunity to grow, to redesign your life, your dreams. You may have had magnificent dreams with your ex-spouse, but there is no reason why you still can't have them. Now you have a chance to redesign them, recreate them, you can still have those dreams, they will just be a little different.
What is going to make your life magnificent? Make it happen!