You mention "I’m having a divorce party" and people look at you and say “For real”. It seems over the years we have come accustomed to linking a divorce party to something of a negative. Let’s do a voodoo ritual against the ex…, but it doesn’t have to be like that at all.
Divorce isn’t a nice thing to go through and while it may be confusing on what is the next step after signing the papers and then receiving the official confirmation it has been finalised, having a party can be very therapeutic.
By choosing to see the party as more of a celebration of your new chapter in life, the party can be so much fun.
I celebrated by having a divorce party last year with nothing nasty against my ex-spouse. It was a celebration of it is finally over and celebrating with girlfriends who have been there during the whole recovery process.
There can be mixed views on what a divorce party is. Girlfriends cheering “yeah to hell with him”, others being positive saying “what a wonderful way to finish the uncomfortable year”.
But writing out the invitations, ‘Jo’s Divorce party, a new chapter’, my daughter felt a little uneasy. She asked “why do you have to call it a Divorce Party. Why not just A New Chapter?” My daughter felt the party was of a negative spin on the whole marriage. After explaining it wasn’t about being mean or nasty about her father, but more about the New Chapter for me and to be grateful of where I had come after the break-up and the process of the divorce. She did feel ok about it, however she felt the word Divorce wasn’t necessary…
So it made me think about the word DIVORCE. Does divorce need to be a dirty word. Do we believe if we divorce we are not worthy?, and it’s negative, does it become part of who we are?
How does it make you feel?
Divorce doesn’t define who you are and if you have children, it shouldn’t with your children too. Being open and positive about the process with yourself and children will help your children understand its ok, and to understand when the marriage ends, its because the marriage has served its purpose and now it is time to move on.
These days it has become more common unfortunately, and people in society have accepted it more. I mean really, no one goes into a marriage thinking they will divorce, but the reality is, it does happen and if it does happen, embrace it. And with that there is no reason why you can’t have a divorce party.
A divorce party can mark the end of the tough road you were dealt with. It’s a great excuse to celebrate your sisterhood with all your dear friends and talk about the future and what you have installed for yourself. A divorce party is part of the healing, the final empowered moment, where you can take time to relax and laugh, scream at the top of your lungs that you can do anything you please as you accept the changes in your life.
With my divorce party, I shared wine and food, along with a cake which out of a little fun had a groom and bride. Everyone who came to celebrate my new chapter were so supportive, so much fun! I even had balloons where at the end of the evening we wrote positive messages about my future. We took them outside snipped the balloons and sent them on their way! It was catharsis to say the least.
Even though your marriage ended, not the til death do us part, it is ok and you will get through it. And by having a divorce party, you realise you will live happily ever after, with yourself and with your family and friends.
It really is a time to move forward and feel the love for yourself as you move on into the next chapter of your life.
If you feel uneasy about calling it a 'DIVORCE PARTY', then go with my daughter and call it 'A NEW CHAPTER PARTY'.
Have you ever found yourself talking to your children’s father about circumstances that relate to your children and find out later he has been telling your children everything.
Or perhaps he is feeding his ego, his insecurities and saying untruthful or unnecessary words to your children, which makes him feel better, but just confuses the children?
When he does this it can make you so angry, very disappointed and upset. Upsetting because children don’t need to hear what you both talk about. When he does this, he is sharing one side of the story. Children don’t need to know what adult conversations consist of.
Or do you find yourself sharing information your children really don’t need to know? Or asking them questions about what he is up to? And his new partner? Using them as a source of communication because you have had enough with how the communication is going between the both of you…
I recently saw a post on a forum of a young adult whose parents divorced when he was not quite a teenager. He shared how he felt during his parents’ divorce. He felt like he was in the middle of their divorce that seemed to drag on for years and years. His parents fought constantly, when he was a young child, and he was always brought into their issues, their differences, and their fights. And now as a young Adult he is still in the middle. It’s as if he needs to choose sides.
How is that healthy?
Do you find yourself and your ex-spouse doing the same?
This young man goes on to say both parents continue to put the other one down to him. Going through the divorce he became their source of communication. He went on and begged to not let children become involved in the hatred and disrespect his parents had for each other.
Going through a divorce is not only emotionally hard for both parents, but it’s just as difficult for the children.
If you cannot respectfully fall out of a relationship because of what he did, or what you expected or did. You need to fall out of the relationship respectfully for your children.
This young man was so brave to express how he was feeling. It can be so difficult for children... are they supposed to choose? Of course not. They shouldn’t have to choose, only to love their parents the way their parents are supposed to love them.
You must understand your emotions, all of them. If you are not self-aware of your behaviour then you will not be thinking clearly. You need to respect not only yourself while going through a break-up but for your children. If you behave in an unrespectful way, how will your children behave, when they find love and fall out of love as adults? How will they know how to respectfully move forward from their ex. If you don’t show the love and care now, your children will mimic your behaviour and the cycle will continue.
Remember to not use your children in the crossfire.
Seek professional help if you are finding yourself using your children or your children are being caught in the middle.
If you are unsure how your children are coping, think about the last time you communicated with their father… was it respectful? Did your children communicate to you in a way which makes you think they are stuck in the cross fire?
Children are our future and they deserve the best example from their parents.
I was recently asked to join a local radio station and share what Break-up Recovery coaching is. Being a new way to heal after a break-up, a new support system for Women in Canberra, it was wonderful to share with the presenters exactly what I do.
My support is for women who find after their break-up is leaving them feeling alone and lacking confidence and unsure about where to go from here, 'BREAK-UP RECOVERY COACHING' can help women move into the next phase of their life with ease and confidence.
So I want to share with you a little about break-up recovery coaching especially if you haven't connected with me yet. It’s a new way to look at life after a divorce or relationship break-up. With health and wellness strategies and emotional support from me, you will move forward after your break-up with a healthy and positive outlook.
With my support, you will transition with confidence into the next phase of your life as you heal with a healthy mind, body and soul. With my support, you will have more clarity with decision making and your feelings of being overwhelmed will significantly reduce.
My coaching unlike therapy, gives you emotional support and guidance as you set goals for yourself and your children.
Coaching provides you with the ability to take CONTROL of your LIFE in a POSITIVE way. Break-up recovery coaching will enhance you through your journey as you transition from a relationship to single life, without fear.
I know how you may be feelng, I've been there myself. With my learnings from my own relationship break-up and divorce and training, I can help YOU make clearer and rational decisions and help rebuild your life and move forward.
On the radio segment, I mentioned it’s important for women to write a grateful list from their recent relationship. The presenters on the radio station gave me a look of concern. And asked “How does that work?" Sure finding all the grateful things when you are not feeling grateful sounds outrageous. And even more so when you are not coping…
Once you sit down and start writing down a list of things you were grateful for, and it could be just a couple of things or a whole page. Your mindset starts to shift. Thoughts of negative flip and become a positive. Ok, so you will realise, yes there were some positive aspects of the relationship, it may even hurt alittle and you may cry when you do this practice.
Coming to the realisation your relationship is over can be difficult, but remember, the positive parts will be empowering to your healing. It will make you realise not all was bad and the fact you had this with a person, you can have it again. Remember the good times. Don’t push them away. If you hold onto only the negative and bad aspects of the relationship, you will find yourself taking longer to heal and to move forward. Holding onto the negative energy from a break-up will only bring you down.
Having the right support when going through a break-up is so important to be able to move forward with a positive outcome.
Break-ups are difficult but you will get through it
The day you find out your ex-spouse has a new partner can be the strangest feeling… Your emotions could be quite negative with feelings of anger, jealously, sadness and concerned about your children. It’s pretty normal to feel these emotions even if you were the one to end the relationship.
Knowing he is with another maybe hard to accept at first
Remember this though, he has the right to find love again. Yes it didn’t work out with you, but this may be the right relationship for him now. Accepting the realisation he has moved on will be hard even if you don’t love him, yet it’s normal to question if your feeling’s mean you still love him. The reality is you probably don’t still love him in that way, the feeling of what was once and the feeling of lost will confuse you. It’s good to remember the good times you had with him, yes, but now let him move onto another relationship. There is no need for anger and there is no need for sadness and there is no need for jealously.
If children are involved remember your negative feelings will affect your children. If you are finding it difficult to deal with, ensure that you don’t ask your children too many questions or share your concerns about his new partner with them. It’s a good time to not find out too many details of their life, but when children are involved you need to discuss how this will affect them. Do you have a parenting plan that includes what to do when a new partner is introduced? If not, it’s a good idea to discuss with your ex-spouse; will you meet the new partner before your children? What is the new partner’s involvement with your children? Will living arrangements affect your children?
I always tell my clients to focus on the positive’s, it’s so much easier to move forward in life. But when your ex-spouse has indeed moved on, remember why the relationship ended. I don’t mean dwell on the negative as such, but reminding yourself why can help with accepting his choice to move on.
This is a great time to reflect on your life and what you want
Have you made a vision of your future in detail?
What do you really want in life?
Being true to you is so powerful right now
Be kind to yourself during this time. There is no time to be focusing on ‘poor me’, and ‘I will be alone forever’. Try focusing on what you want in life right now. Do you want to be happy? Be happy. If you want to explore new activities. Explore new activities. If you do want a new partner. Be that partner. There is nothing more attractive than being confident in yourself and being the exact person you hope to meet one day. By focusing on the negative and poor me, you will find yourself living an unfilled life and not in the mindset of a future you really want.
So what is it you want in life right now?
If you are having trouble with your emotions, why not connect with me with my complimentary call. One call could make all the difference.