Don't want to eat?
Drinking too much?
Want to sleep all day?
Constantly throwing up?
Wanting to hide from everyone you know?
Maybe even stalking your ex until your heart bleeds?
The first 24 hours after your break-up are the hardest, it’s confusing and absolutely brutal. You feel as though the whole world is against you. You question everything and can't think straight. It feels like you will never get over him.
But over time it does become easier to accept, but if you don’t get out of your funk and try to let go, who knows how long it will take for you to heal.
After your break-up the last thing you feel like doing is wanting to be happy and positive and socialising. Maybe you just want to sleep all day, drink too much, eat nothing, throw up, and hide from everyone you know, or stalk your ex until your heart bleeds. Whatever you are feeling and doing after your break-up, right now is probably not the right thing for you.
Remember love and relationships are tough, and you will get through it
Try to find love in everything in your life right now. By choosing to find love in your life you are allowing your energy to feel powerful. Focus on being positive, even though you may hate him right now and everything else around you, being positive and grateful for the good times you had with him, will help you. When choosing to focus on the negative and everything that has gone wrong will not serve you, it will only make you powerless, you will not think clearly.
Choose love always
Accept and feel your emotions. I’ve mentioned this before and it works. CRY. Crying is a healing tool, you can feel so much better after a good cry, so let your body just be and just feel what it is doing. Let out a big howl and once you have, see the difference within yourself.
Have no contact. If you have to try to leave it for the next few weeks, try not to have any contact with him. Get off social media and tell anyone who is a mutual friend you don’t want to know anything about him. Right now you need to switch him off and switch you on. It won’t be easy, however as the days past, you will start to feel lighter and the stress of wanting contact will ease. If you feel the urge to send him a message or call him, choose a friend to message or call instead. Write it down on paper what you want to say and then throw it away.
Make sure to look after yourself. Remember to eat and eat food that will nourish your body. A break-up can take its toll on your body physically, make an effort to look after yourself. Run a bath and have a soothing soak and be kind to yourself. Go for a walk in the fresh air and embrace the beauty of this world. Keep moving and keep loving yourself.
Try not to be alone for too long. Time alone after your break-up can seem like days when it’s only hours. Get yourself out and check in with your closest friends or family. Keep doing what you normally do, get out and be social even if you have to pretend to be happy, getting out and connecting with others is soothing for the soul, once you have made the effort to get out, you will feel better.
Remember this break-up will pass and you will be ok
I woke up with a head cold on Sunday and all I wanted to do was sleep.. My head was aching, my throat dry like sandpaper, and every part of my body hurt. I don’t get sick too often and I was so annoyed the cold hit me. Staying in bed and resting was really all I wanted to do, but I couldn’t I had to ensure the children were looked after, they were fed, ensured social media wasn’t their top priority for the day and to check on their assignment work they needed to do, due the next day!
The washing needed to be done, the cooking, the cleaning, and the grammar check on the assignments and so on...
My children are incredible and help out (most of the time), but I kind of felt I was not being the best mum that day… Sunday is our Funday where we spend time together. This Sunday was not my Funday… It made me realise if I had the extra help on Sunday I would of healed a whole lot sooner, by just resting, allowing my body to rid the dreaded head cold that seems to be hitting town.
What I have learnt and have become more at ease with and accepted is our life has changed.. And it’s ok if the washing isn’t all done on the day, so what if the meal that you wanted to cook is now compromised with a simpler dish. And the house, it can be cleaned later in the week.
Becoming ok with this took time
I am an organised person, I like order (ok I may be a little of a perfectionist…) and having the additional help always made these chores easier as they were shared, so what if it isn’t exactly perfect. The children are happy, they are fed and warm and it will be ok.
By realising that life doesn’t have to be perfect every day and to remember you are doing your best as a single parent is all that matters. I have accepted the house isn’t as ordered as I once had and I’m ok with it.
On Sunday I found myself at times sneaking off to bed and resting, leaving the mess and the washing and I gave myself some time to heal. The children were fine (maybe the social media was a little high in use for them) but the assignment work was completed, they were fed and happy.
Remember the household dynamic will change and it’s ok to let go a little and know you are doing your best. It’s ok if the washing is a day or more later and you are having tuna and rice again!
Look after yourself this season and remember you are doing your best.
Below is my go to drink when the head cold kicks in:
1 lemon, Juiced
1 clove of garlic, crushed
2cm ginger, grated
Honey to taste
Cayenne pepper, a pinch
Add juice of lemon to a mug with boiled water that has sat for a few minutes, add garlic and ginger, cover and seep for 10 minutes. Strain into a cup and add honey to taste (approx. 1 tsp) and a pinch of cayenne pepper. Sip before bed.
I recently attended a family celebration and my father mentioned my ex-spouse in a conversation and he looked at me and said “Oh sorry for mentioning him”. I looked at him and said “That is fine, it doesn’t bother me”. It was all positive, yet here my father thought I would be upset.
It made me think how far I have come since my marriage ended over two years ago.
I can’t believe where the time has gone? The time has been filled with loneliness but also comfort and love and a whole lot of soul searching.
I try to think about how I was at the beginning of my separation to where I am now. So much has happened and changed within me and even though the marriage and family broke down, we are so much better off.
No one wants a marriage to end, and especially when children are involved. Sometimes it’s just easier to stay... the thought of leaving the family home, breaking up the family unit, having to get out of your comfort zone even if it’s not great, it sometimes seems like the right thing to do by staying. But when you start losing respect for yourself and your spouse, leaving can be the best thing to do.
Hard is an understatement, it was the worst thing to happen in my life. But at the same time it was the best thing. We argued, cried, it was confusing at times, but at the end of the day, the respect for yourself is the most important. The children will be fine. There is nothing worse than having your children surrounded by parents who argue all the time and parents who have lost respect for each other. Children are better off having two parents who live in a happy home separately.
Over time my relationship with my ex-spouse has become more civilized, civilized because we love our children. Civilized because we respect ourselves. Civilized because it’s a hell of a lot easier to live life.
Time is key. It takes time, it took some time to go from a broken heart and a broken home to a grateful heart and a loving home.
I remember, moving into my new house that became my new home really hard at first to accept. I didn’t enjoy staying there especially when my children weren’t there. It took me about 6 months.. 6 long months. I would walk about the house feeling like it wasn’t home. Any chance I had I wasn’t there. But over time I started to set things up in the house more and looked after the garden and it slowly became a home for myself and my children. I realised it does take time when we adjust from our home with the whole family to a home with a new family dynamic.
I’m independent, but I started becoming more independent. Now I had to realise I couldn’t just ask him for an opinion or guidance or support. It took time to realise no one defines who you are, you can do anything and everything yourself. If you can’t physically do it, book someone to!
I started to know my worth. Being alone and not in a relationship gives you a chance to find out who you are… The good and the bad. It has been a wonderful journey to realise I am going to be ok and can take on anything that comes my way. I started respecting myself more, working out what I want in life, my vision for the future, my goals, and my plan. The liberating feeling of knowing what you are worth empowers you to live the life you want whatever that may be.
My health and fitness became better. I was pretty healthy and fit anyway, sure at the beginning of the break-up I would have moments where I would rebel on my diet and fitness, as I was sorting out my head, but no one wants to live a life slumped and unmotivated, and especially when you no longer have the support in your home with your children. Looking after my health and fitness makes me have more energy and gives me clarity in life. When you have a clean diet your life seems to be worth so much more.
So today, I enjoy who I am, love my home with my children and can now ask my ex-spouse advice and we support each other’s opinions and decisions when it comes to our children.
What I have learnt over the past two years is that it gets better, give it time, but most importantly respect yourself and your whole family. You will sleep better at night and your future will look much brighter. Holding onto anger and resentment won’t serve you, it will only prolong you from living a fulfilled life of happiness and love.
Who are you?
Where do you want to go?
And who have you been?
Ok so we know who you were in a relationship right… a wife, a partner, a girlfriend, but when that ends and you find yourself single, do you know who you are? And when you were in a relationship did you know who you were besides a wife, a partner or a girlfriend…?
We tend to question everything when our relationship ends. Who am I? What went wrong? What is my path? Where to now? What should I do? The unknown can be overwhelming… But the question to you right now is if you were a wife, a partner or a girlfriend, did you really know who you were besides that in your relationship? We tend to mould as one and forget who we are, which in some cases is why relationships end.
Being true to yourself in a relationship or as a single person is so important, and we forget this too often.
So one of the best times for figuring out who you are and what you really want out of life is right after your break-up. You need to realise if a door has closed as in your relationship it’s because there is now another door wide open and you can walk on through, to find yourself, and love yourself!
Are you struggling with the idea of finding out who you are and not sure where to go?
Does it sound easy…. Heck no! it can be bloody hard…scary….horrible… the unknown of finding out ‘who I am’, ‘what I like’, ‘what I like to do’, ‘where I want to go’… blah blah blah, but we can do this together by acknowledging the following:
1. Don’t compare yourself...
The worst thing you could do right now is think the grass is greener elsewhere.
Everyone has something going on, even the happy ones. We don’t really know what is going on with others even if we think we do, so don’t compare yourself to the one that looks like she has it all, you don’t know. When you start to compare yourself with others, you have already started to disengage with yourself… let it go, don’t compare.
Start embracing you!
2. Put down on paper your 5 principles to live by and start living by them...
I absolutely love Lewis Howes. (Lewis is an American author, entrepreneur, and former professional Arena League football player. He hosts a podcast - The School of Greatness) in Lewis’ latest book he explains how important it is to have a statement of who you will be and what you will stand for in your life, even in the toughest moments. And we already know going through a break-up has its tough moments. Lewis calls them the Personal Principles Declaration (PPD).
This is not a wish list, it’s a declaration to yourself for what you live by no matter what comes into your world!
By living by your PPD you start to live with more purpose. Put these PPD in your phone, stick them up at home where you can easily see them and look at them daily. When you’re having that moment of everything just seems too hard, remind yourself of the PPD.
Take your time with this one. Write down five personal principles you want to live by.
3. Stop telling yourself false stories about yourself...
Stop judging yourself and telling yourself false stories.
Do you say to yourself, “I’m not good enough”. “I won’t find love again”.
Sure it’s on everyone’s mind after a break-up. Finding love after you haven’t worked yourself out though, the relationship won’t work.
The expectations of your new partner that are left over from your prior partner will strain the relationship and you will find yourself in breakdown again…
Be kind to yourself, have faith within yourself. You are good enough. You need to start loving yourself, every part of you, only when you start to respect yourself and give yourself time to heal from within you will realise you are good enough.
4. Release the past with your ex of the person you were...
Hanging onto the relationship the good and the bad of the person you were won’t help you work out who you are now, our behaviours change, especially when the relationship is going south, we tend to behave in a way that is not us.
Let go of the anger and hatred and start hanging out with yourself and finding out who you are and what you want in life.
What kind of future do you want? It’s hard to plan or even dream about a future if you are still holding onto a past that will no longer be in your future. Release him, when you do this you release the expectation of the person you were and can start to find yourself again.
5. What is something you want so bad in life?...
Dream and dream big! What is something you really want and are too scared to get? What is stopping you? The answer is usually YOU! So take some time to think about the things in life you would like to do or have and start making intentions to move closer to them… Just by writing it down and putting the intention out there is the first step to getting closer to what is important to you. Take some time to think about what you want. Why can’t you have it. You can have anything you put your mind to, it may seem unrealistic, and it’s only unrealistic if you don’t do anything about it.
As the Nike slogan says ‘JUST DO IT’, so what’s stopping you?
Starting with these five tips to finding yourself again after your break-up, you will start living with more clarity in life, more love and more happiness.
Still stuck and need more support?
Book in for your free call today and find out how I can support you.
To some it may seem strange, my daughter who is now 13 years old has
been wearing my wedding dress each year on her birthday.
It all started when I had watched a segment on Oprah many years ago of a woman who would dress her daughter in one of her mother’s favourite dresses that she remembered her mother fondly wearing. This woman would photograph her daughter each year and watch her grow in her mother’s 1950's dress. I watched this episode with my newly born daughter in my arms and thought what a wonderful thing to do. Looking into the eyes of my new born, I wondered what sort of person she will become, I wondered how she will grow over the years. To have a loving and open bond with your child is special and being sentimental and a traditionalist within our family was really important to me, I wanted to do this with my daughter.
The love and bond my daughter and I have, has grown so deep over the years and having this special moment with each other every year as she puts on my wedding dress is a sacred moment, one I did not want to stop after my divorce.
My wedding dress I wore was a short layered antique white chiffon dress. I felt beautiful on my wedding day, I adored my day to the man who became the father of my children. Each year it’s wonderful to watch our daughter grow in a dress that confirmed our love for each other.
I received mixed comments from many family and friends as to why I would do this each year. I had explained about the Oprah show and how I wanted to watch my daughter grow in this dress of love and one day will make a book watching her grow each year.
A memory to cherish always
I remember when my daughter had turned one and the dress draped over her, even though the dress was ridiculously oversized she looked beautiful and it would be the first of many years. At the age of two she screamed and cried in the corner of the living room trying to pull the dress off as she wanted nothing to do with it. Age five she asked when was it time to wear the dress as it had become a habit each birthday.
Over the years she embraced it more and more as she dances around twirling in the dress feeling free and feeling love
Since my divorce I have not hesitated to continue the tradition. Friends have asked why I would still continue to have my daughter wear the dress, a dress that symbolised a marriage that is no longer. Yes they are right, but it symbolises the dress I wore when I married my children's father. That will never change. I accept the marriage is over, but the marriage and love was there and I have two beautiful children to show for it. Why take that away from my children.
It saddens me to see so many people after they break-up become so angry and hostile against their ex, especially if you have spent a good chunk of your life together. To be able to heal and move on from your break-up, remember to not forget all the good there was too. I have worked with women who hold onto so much anger and wanting revenge against their ex for whatever reason. I found this did not serve me and it will not serve you. To be able to move on and heal from within, be grateful for the marriage and the good times you had together. Yes it can be hard, but by sharing the history of the foundation and loving and positive history of your relationship with their father, you are embracing love for your children. Your children still have two parents, two parents who love them, no matter what has happened between the two of you.
When I see my daughter twirling in my wedding dress it makes me feel so happy and proud to see a young girl turning into a beautiful young lady as she embraces a little history of her mother and father. That will never die.
The dress is a symbol and memory of the past, something my children can remember of their parents together
Find your memories, the good ones, don’t take the history, the past away from your children. They deserve to feel and hear of the past in a positive way. It was there, don’t forget that. Yes you may have moved on or he has moved on, but don’t take that away from your children.
Watching my daughter dance and run around in my wedding dress is
a memory I will always remember as she will.