I hear often...
“But I’m a single mum, I can’t do that or commit to that”.
“I’m a single mum and don’t have the funds”.
“I’m a single mum and it’s hard”.
I know I have been there with the same beliefs. The words I use and the stigma of being a 'single mum' had me thinking recently, are we focusing more on the ‘victim’ mindset of being a single mum and the reality it is hard, or could we change the negative stigma of what a ‘single mum’ is and embrace the endless possibilities of being empowered. Sure we have tough days, and maybe we can’t have everything we had before. But having a negative mindset with being a single mum I don’t want anymore.
Because I am a woman, yes a single woman, yes a mum who co parents, however, I am still a woman with a mission to live my best life. And every time we say but… I am a single mum… but… I have to do this myself… we find ourselves living a struggled life. The story you tell yourself is the life you will live. You need to feed your mind with the belief you are more than a 'single mum' you need to focus on positive and empowering thoughts, thoughts, beliefs that share the story of who you want to be and how you want to feel.
So what about we change it? Change the story we tell ourselves and focus on who we are as a woman and embrace the tough days because the reality is, you are better off than being is a hostile or unloved relationship. What if you could be in a loving relationship with yourself and accept everything that comes your way.
Taking out the ‘single mum’ status and owning who I am has me in control of what I want in life. It has me empowered. It makes me want to show my children anything is possible even when your life you once thought was going one way, can in fact head in a different direction, a direction that will work well for you! You have a choice.
Who is with me?
What will you choose today? To accept the negative stigma that it will be challenging every day, or be empowered with a clear mindset of what you want moving forward?
Two effective tips you can do today to ensure you are being empowered by your status and not using it to not live your life are:
Have a mission, a mission of you!
I mentioned about having a loving relationship with yourself and there is no better way to get clear than writing a mission for yourself. Let’s grab pen and paper and start writing. Having a personal self-mission is a great way to remind yourself of who you want to be. What is true for you? What person do you want to be today and every day after?
Getting clear on your core values.
Getting clear on your core values, sets you up day in and day out. It enables you and ensures you are on the right track with you daily choices. If you are always telling yourself the story of struggle but one of your core values is striving to do my best everyday. Then how does that work for you? Get clear and live the way you want to. Choose 3-5 important core values for you, not for anyone else but for you to live by.
Embrace who you are and change your mindset, change the story you are telling yourself and live your life all of it the ups and the downs and be empowered everyday.
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12 steps to navigate sucessfully from your break-up
As 2017 comes to an end and the holiday season begins, it's a time of love and excitement. However, you maybe reading this and dreading the thought, especially if you are navigating out of a break-up or going through a divorce. You may want to skip over this season and bypass it. I know how you feel, I have been there, and coming to terms with being single during the holidays can add unnecessary stress on oneself if you do feel this way.
So how can you embrace the holidays this year if you are dreading time alone?
First, change your language. The word alone can be a negative notion during these holidays. So this year change your language and note the holidays as time on your own! Embrace it.
If you find yourself facing the holidays on your own, know it will be okay. It comes down to your attitude and how you show up. Make the choice to embrace this time as ‘my own time’.
For me this will be my fourth holiday as a single woman. As a single parent. You would think 4 years I would be used to it, and I guess at a point I am ok with it. However, the thought of being away from my children for two weeks over Christmas and New Year, makes me a little restless. For one I keep thinking I don’t want to be home… Home is always too quiet with no children in the house. Over the holidays it can be more so. At the same time I have some time to give back, whether it is for me or to someone else. So this year the fourth year I am embracing it. And the possibilities are endless.
I mean let’s face it, the holidays without your children, or loved one can be hard to accept. If you are with yourself these holidays, why not choose yourself first, change your focus on you and focus on what you have not what is missing.
Let’s embrace these holidays as we move into 2018 and look at the endless possibilities by choosing to be positive. Focusing on the positives instead of the negatives will have you enjoying this time. Look at what you have. Be thankful for the good in your life. We all have struggles at times but look at all the positives. Perhaps write down what you have. If you find yourself leaning towards the negatives, take the time to flip the not have’s and choose to find love in the have’s.
It’s so important to take care of yourself and even more so as you come out of a relationship. I know firsthand how hard it is to accept a break-up and not being able to see your children every day, when you used to. So when you do have time to yourself during the holidays, look at it as time for yourself. This is a wonderful time to choose you first and take care of yourself. Let me ask you… when you look in the mirror are you happy with what you see? If you are not completely happy with what you see, have or where you are in life, now is the time to dig deeper. You can download my free eBook and use the worksheets included to get real and choose you first.
Perhaps during these holidays it’s time for you and only you to take yourself on a little holiday, it can feel foreign even selfish to take time just for you, especially if you are a single parent. Another question for you is when was the last time you did something just for you? By taking time out and embracing singlehood could be just the answer you need. It doesn’t have to be a luxury holiday, it could just be a road trip with a little AirBnB cottage for a few days. A book in hand and time to just be.
If you are struggling with the thought of being on your own these holidays, why not connect with family and friends. If you feel the need to be around people, spending time with family or close friends is a wonderful way to connect with others. Keeping active and choosing to do activities is a fun way to keep your mind off being single or missing your children if you are feeling alone during the holidays. Embrace the beauty of the company of others and ensure it is of a positive nature. You want to be surrounded by people who will lift you and embrace the holidays in a positive way.
Could a new project be just what you need to do? As you navigate and reconnect with yourself after a break-up choosing a new project is a great way to lean towards a positive you. Perhaps these holidays is a time for you to choose a project at home. It’s a great way to embrace my own time. New coat of paint, upgrade the garden, clear some clutter that has built up over the year.
From me to you, I want you to know it will be okay and these holidays are a time to reflect and give love back to you. For when you choose love first, anything is possible.
Choose this time as my own time
There is no time-line to when one heals from a break-up. I know I have been there, and now I support women going through the same transition as I once did. With my own recovery I have come up with 12 effective steps that helped me and now I want to share with you.
With that I have created a free eBook on how to successfully navigate from your break-up. It's an eBook written just for you.
You can subscribe and download your copy here.
I wanted to be able to give something to you to have you moving in the right direction, because coming to the realisation your break-up is real can be daunting and I understand how you maybe feeling right now. With my eBook, I want you to do what you can and to have an understanding of what steps need to be completed to move on successfully.
My gift to you is to set aside some time, print off your worksheets from the eBook and answer the questions honestly as you navigate through the 12 steps. Each step completed will be different for each person, and I want you to know if there is a step that is challenging you, I am here to answer any questions you may have.
Right now you need to invest in yourself, your everyday, your health and your happiness. Keep reminding yourself of that, especially if and when you’re feeling unmotivated or overwhelmed. Remember the beginning of something transformational is always challenging.
You’ve got this! and I am here for you, supporting you all the way to the new you.
It gives me such pleasure to know I am here for you and I want you to focus on the present and by doing this you are able to create an amazing future. Many of us allow our past to define us. You are not your past, not now, not ever. It is time to forgive yourself to forgive your ex. From a break-up, you will learn and grow, you need to embrace everything you are feeling.
If are having trouble moving forward perhaps a one on one session with me may help you. A session where we can go through the steps together to ensure you are on the right track and living the life you desire for yourself.
Download your eBook and begin moving forward in a positive way by:
A friend who has been divorced for a few years recently became a solo parent after the death of their ex-spouse. The words shared “How I raise my boys and what I do will impact them”.
Grief whether it is of a death or a divorce makes you reflect and question your actions.
You may have the same thought and reflection. Perhaps questions such as, “How are my children going to be ok with the change?” “What if I do make the wrong choice and it affects them and their future.”
The reality is there is no perfect and you can only do the best you can. It is natural to question “Am I doing the right thing by my children?”, however, there is a bigger question here that I ask you “Are you taking care of yourself first?” When you were married or in a relationship, your actions impact your children, so when life changing circumstances take place it’s no different, what you need to be aware of is how are you treating yourself?
As a parent we don’t always take care of our needs first. When we see our children in pain our natural reaction is to take care of them first, because their pain hurts us. Their pain becomes ours.
It made me think about my recent flights. I am currently abroad and changed many flights to arrive to my destination two weeks ago. No matter what country I was in or what airline I was flying with, the same information was shared when the safety information came on. You must put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others.
Let’s be honest, as a parent we don’t always put ourselves first, we tend to put all our efforts into making sure our children are ok. But if you are not ok and looking after yourself, how can you look after your loved ones. Throughout life, we tend to be comfortable in our habits, lifestyle and at times don’t take care of ourselves the best way we should be. The putting on the oxygen mask first is an significant metaphor for women who run around taking care of everything and everyone except oneself.
By not taking care of yourself, you can experience higher levels of stress, you may not be sleeping well, eating well and with this, health problems including anxiety can creep in.
Ask yourself today, “Am I taking care of myself”. If no is the answer, then why?
It’s not selfish. My truth... when I began to take care of myself as a single parent, it did feel selfish. I felt guilty, however, the reality is when I began to take care of myself first, I was a better person and parent. Stress levels dropped and my health improved, I had more energy and with this I was then capable to support my children on a higher level and my everyday focus was better for them and myself.
So today I want you to let go of any guilt that you may feel towards looking after yourself and put that oxygen mask on first. Begin with the following daily actions and create a life for yourself and as the light of self care and love shines over you, see the change not only for yourself but for your loved ones too.
Today, I will:
From one Woman to another, you’ve got this!