That first moment when the realisation your relationship is over, hurts… a lot… your heart aches, your appetite disappears and all you want to do is cry, or scream, maybe both, the thought of hiding under the covers sounds like the perfect option, the only option. But the reality is, you need to let go to move on. And you have done it before, and you know you will survive the break-up. So what if I can share some tips you need to do in the first instance so to having the letting go come easier and have you moving on sooner.
Remember why the relationship ended. I always say and a huge believer we need to focus on the positives from a relationship that has ended, but for now I don’t want you to stop that, but sometimes we tend to want our ex back because we are lonely or scared of the unknown as a single person, so we tend to forget what brought the relationship to the end. I don’t want you to dwell on it, but for a moment what was it? Was it him? Was it you? Take a deep breath in and out and be honest with yourself about the relationship. Did you like the way you were in the relationship? A lot of the times, we don’t and once you realise and release, the power of moving on sooner and living the fulfilled life you desire is liberating.
You may be feeling broken, scared even, as if you have been through combat, trying to survive and heck trying to make sense of the break-up. But you need to know in your heart, was the relationship serving a positive purpose for you. Were you truly happy? Were you being yourself in the relationship? Take some time to ask yourself; who am I? And what do I want moving forward? Remember you cannot allow yourself to settle for anything less than you deserve. And it’s not a selfish act wanting it all, to feel content and to be in a relationship that compliments you not complicate you.
It will become easier, and understanding no one defines you except you will have you moving in the right direction of letting go. Yes you need to want to let go and thank him and yourself for the relationship. Because when you let go of the relationship that was, you have a chance to move on freely without holding onto the, what ifs and the should of’s. Remember, relationships last as long as they are supposed to. It may feel raw when the relationship ends, but think of what you gain now.
Seek out the lessons from the relationship and about yourself.
Simple ways to help let go, ways that you can do, is to clear all social media. Yes this means taking a break from Facebook or at least defriending your ex. It may seem drastic if you agreed to stay friends, but the honest truth is, do you want to see what he is doing? I say take a break from Social media just in general, because it can be time wasting and it can also hinder your healing. Really is everything you see on Facebook or other social media avenues the true picture of your friends? Let social media go for now.
Removing photos and other memories of your ex is a great releasing exercise. Now I don’t mean throw it all in a heap and put a flame to it, I’m talking about either giving it back or packing it away or if it doesn’t serve a purpose, remove it from your home. Anything that will remind you of him, needs to go and now. Don’t be hard on yourself when removing items, but remember this is a process and it will take time, but when you begin to release you begin to let go.
Letting go is a way to own yourself back. Because no one lives their life exactly how they want to today by choosing to wish the past to appear. The past is that, the past, and you now need to live in the now for a brighter future. A future where you have control on how you want to live your life. A life filled with love and joy. And not letting go of the past relationship will have you confused moving forward.
It’s hard to let go, I’ve been there, but once you begin to love yourself more, you see a brighter future. It’s like if you decided you didn’t like an outfit anymore maybe it doesn’t fit the way you would like it, would you keep wearing it? I know an outfit is different to a relationship, but let’s be honest, if it’s not making you happy and you are not being yourself, then why stay. And we all know we would have not worn that outfit again.
So the question I have for you, is how much do you love yourself? Do you want to wake up each day hoping and craving for someone that isn’t right for you? Or do you want to love yourself more each day and live the life that will make you want to wake up and see the beauty in this life. It is then and only then, you will be brave enough to walk the walk alone and when you have the beauty of confidence, anything is possible for you and a relationship.
It’s not the end of you, it’s the end of a relationship. And when one door closes on a relationship, it makes room for another door to open.
If you are struggling after your break-up, I am here to support you. I support women across the globe giving them the support they need to move forward reminding them they can do this and I know you can too. I offer a free discovery call where we navigate a strategy and see you moving in the right direction. Contact me today for your free call and let’s recover, rebuild and renew together.
women empowering women – Joanne Michelle
When you agree on your asset split with your ex, it may leave you in a financial position you are not use to, one that means you need to get serious about where your money comes from and goes…
Getting clear on your cost of living is really important from the beginning, don’t be like me, where it took me almost two years to realise I was spending more than I was earning…
It may mean you need to get real and honest with yourself. Such as where you live and your lifestyle choices. And this is not necessarily a permanent way, it’s more about the transition so you don’t put yourself in a financial crisis.
Doing a budget could be key and sticking to it.
Having separate accounts for saving, living costs and luxuries can help keep your funds in control. Also not to have a credit card if you can help it, will help you stay on track financially. Do you know that in Australia alone we have a national debt on credit cards of $22,857,457,567. Are you part of this ever growing debt? Credit cards can be helpful but to benefit from them you need to be able to pay them off each month before the interest kicks in, because a $150 dress on a credit card you purchased three months ago is now costing you more than $150. Is it really worth it? I was in that situation and I can tell you it isn’t. A credit card can be the death of your bank account and any future of a comfortable lifestyle.
Where is your money going?
A good tip is to have a small booklet or type in notes on your phone, each expense right down to the coffee you have and at the end of the week see where your money is going… A coffee here and there may actually be putting you in strife and it’s the small expenses that add up quickly.
A financial planner maybe key, where you can be guided and have an understanding where you stand financially and to obtain some strategies moving forward. A financial planner can guide you through the transition and if you have any investments to ensure you are on the right track to a healthy financial future.
Maybe you are not happy with the financial outcome after the settlement and with that there can usually become some resentment with your ex. Especially if you feel you have drawn the short straw on the settlement. During this time you need to be honest with yourself, you need to be kind to yourself and that means getting enough sleep, eating well and not giving out all your energy to your ex with anger and resentment. I know I would rather use the energy on being positive and planning on how to move forward with what I have.
If you owned a home with a mortgage and you needed to sell it to divide the assets there may not be much cash left. So starting from scratch can be hard to accept. You need to not allow yourself to resent the situation, and be more about realising being in a relationship that was not healthy is no way to live your life. It’s about taking control of who you are again and being ok with it. And to understand, this is not the end. You can embrace the change and focus on how you will show up and work towards a healthy financial future.
Planning is really important and being honest with yourself.
Getting the right support can help you navigate a future that you are comfortable with, and you must remember it will take time, and you may have to work hard to get there, but right now you need to take responsibility for your financial future.
Saving is key, and if you don’t have a generous income coming in, it may be hard to do, but with Cathryn Gross from Twelve Wealth tips below you may just by making some small changes save yourself at least $5,000 a year. This could mean you can afford that overseas holiday you thought would only ever be a dream! It’s doable, you just have to get real and plan.
Skip one $20 purchase every week
This could mean skipping your daily coffee, a lunch or a night of takeout, but it will save you $80 a month and $1,000 a year.
Try and slash your essential bucket by 10%
For many of you, the big items in the monthly budget are the mortgage, groceries and utilities. These can be hard to cut, but it is possible. Have you reviewed the interest rate on your mortgage lately? Are you menu planning before your grocery shop? By being really aware of each dollar you spend on essentials, you may be able to cut your spending by more than $2,000 a year or more.
Try a financial fast
This is about not spending at all in a lifestyle category for a quarter, but it could be that you stop buying clothes or decide not to eat out each week… and the savings will quickly add up to hundreds of dollars a week, and save you more than $1,000 over a quarter.
Stop using plastic
Many of us are shocked when our credit card bill arrives each month, I know I often am. So, I’d like you to try not to use your credit card at all for a month. I know there will still be some direct debits that come off it, but you will be overjoyed when your bills come and you can move money into your savings account rather than your credit card for the month.
Audit your direct debits
Are you still reading the online newspaper you subscribe to? Using your gym membership that is direct debited each fortnight? Watching Foxtel? Direct debits can creep up on you. So, go through your bank statements and unsubscribe to all the things you are not using.
For further support contact me today and we can start to navigate to a healthy future, from within and financially.
Are you a single mum who does selfies?
It made me think as I was looking through my camera roll on my phone yesterday. I have become a selfie addict. Not just of myself but also with my children.
Why has the selfie taken over my camera roll I thought?
The more I think about it, I was never in a lot of photos when my children were growing up. I was the one behind the camera taking the photos and movies of my children and their Dad. As a parent we want to capture all the moments as our children are growing up. They were beautiful moments and there are many more beautiful moments to come. As I write this I laugh at a thought because I was going through old footage about a year ago and noticed when filming on holidays I would turn the camera on myself and talk, talk random things, just so I was on camera… I wanted to capture every moment and more so now as a single parent.
My children are now teenagers and I guess we don’t tend to take as many photos as we did when they were younger so the selfie is a great addition to the camera roll.
Over time I have become the selfie addict of a single mum. I do this because I want to capture the moment. Maybe wanting to capture each moment including me was a little guilt from divorcing their father, who knows. But I guess what I know right now, I love the selfie and the moments I capture with my children. And yes to their dismay and eye rolls, we capture many selfies. Nice smiling ones and ones with silly faces and laughter and yes those wicked eye rolls. I ask every time we venture out let’s take a selfie, and my son would say, “Mum are you going to post this?” as I hear the worry in his voice, only for me to say, “no… I want to just capture the moment”. And it’s true, it is to capture the moment.
Selfie’s have become the new normal of my camera roll and I am sure probably for many.
The teens of today are selfie experts, obessed perhaps... and I didn’t want to be like ‘that’, but what is ‘that’. To be in the moment and capture it? It really isn’t a bad thing at all. I think they are onto something!
But for me it’s because I want to be in the photos too, since our family dynamics changed, so did a lot of other aspects of our lives too. Holidays became even more interactive between us, dinners out contained young adult conversations. Being together often has become a new normal, because my children and I don’t see each other every day, and when we do, we tend to stick together more often than not.
I am sentimental, always have been, right down to when my daughter was 1 and I started a tradition to dress her in my wedding dress each year to watch her grow, so yes I love mementos and the knowing, that depending on the day we can see what is happening. In the past three years, I have taken more than a 1000 selfies..., some with my children, some with just me and some with my girlfriends and yes even with Grandma! It’s not that I don’t want to ask someone to take a photo, but it has become such a habit to take the selfie that I will just take one because why not? Technology has made it so much easier to hold onto the memories more so, not just in our heart but of images and movies to share with others, or just for ourselves.
Years ago I would question friends for taking the selfie, geez I would even question my daughter, why?, but over time I have come accustomed to the beauty of a selfie and what it means to me, me as Joanne and me as Mum - capturing the moment in an instant. Sometimes we are alone and we want to capture the moment too, the selfie is the best way, so why not.
Do you do selfie’s? And how often?
Selfie’s have now become a birthday tradition in our family and it will continue for many more years.
The selfie although seemed overrated years ago, is actually a great way to capture you and your loved ones, with the feelings that come with the day, and the activities you are up to. I love doing them and sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t like the one I added above. Absolute selfie fail at the beach on a windy cool day, with the three of us, and I think there may have been some screams, yelling MUM!!! going on, but needless to say, I did finally get the selfie.
Happy snapping and don’t feel like you can’t selfie. Enjoy it.
Being a single mum has its good days and not so good days. And when Mother’s Day comes around it can feel a little sad and perhaps lonely. Being a mum when you were in relationship didn’t seem so much that way and in fact it was a great way to have some time off, right? But now as a single mum, we find ourselves organising something for us. Which seems crazy, seeing it’s really a time of gratitude from our children to acknowledge all the work and effort we as mums do.
But, if you are feeling a little sad, maybe lonely or overwhelmed, perhaps even ripped off, maybe you need to look at it differently, maybe you are going about Mother’s Day as a single mum the wrong way.
Mother’s day as a single mum for me is a time to remember the birth of my children, to remember the love and hard work each and every day as a mum. It also reminds me of the heartache and struggles we have from time to time, with the organising and running around, trying to be in two places at once but knowing we do come out of it and that I do my best no matter how the end of each day turns out, because when I am with my children I know I am the luckiest person alive. With Mother's Day, I don't want some time off, I want to embrace every single moment with my children.
Mother’s Day is a time to embrace YOU as a mum. Not a single mum and not a single woman. Just MUM.
From experience I can tell you the older the children become the more independent they are, and life as a single mum does become easier in some ways. But even so, it really is a time to be together. To not focus on what all the shops are saying we need to buy or should be receiving. The best gift I could imagine from my children is their presence. Maybe they will cook me breakfast in the morning (and that’s a hint…) and to share some quality time together during the day, perhaps either order take out or cook together in the evening, oh and having a bottle of bubbles in the fridge ready for a treat for me at the end of the day.
So if you are feeling a little flat, and sad this Mother’s Day, perhaps knowing you won’t receive a gift, I mean how many pairs of fluffy socks and slippers do you need, remember you have the most precious gift of all. Your children. And I couldn’t ask for anything more than this. What about you?
Don’t focus on the material things, but focus on the love you will receive.
I want you to know you are an amazing mum, and don’t stress about what you are missing out on as in a gift, look at your children and remember they are your gift. Remember they are the ones that each day teach us how to be a better person. They teach us how to love even when we may be feeling unloved. They put a smile on our face when they make a passing joke, and yes maybe make us yell when they question our direction. But the real beauty in Mother’s Day as a single mum, is that we have an opportunity to spend time with our gifts any way we like.
A special time to stop and embrace.
Don’t fret over the missing material gifts. Spend this time in presence, feel the love, reminisce about the great times, remember the funny times. And make new memories and traditions. I wouldn’t change it for a moment this Mother’s Day, because this day is for me and my children.
Some suggestions for being present this Mother’s Day:
Go on a bike ride
Hiking is always fun
Set out on a road trip for the day
Settle at a park and enjoy a picnic
Head to the movies
The list really is endless.
Embrace this Mother’s Day and enjoy your day with perhaps a little bottle of bubbles chilling in the fridge at the end of the day.
From me to you, Happy Mother’s Day.
I love the photo I have used here. It’s a reminder of what it’s like to be a single mum. A friend of mine was taking some photos of us and as beautiful as the photo is, at the beginning of the day, neither one of my children were too happy about having their photo taken. There were the arguments and struggles of having to do something Mum wanted, but by the end of the shoot, we embraced it, and what became was the three of us. The us we know best.