There was a time after my break-up I found myself having moments of feeling lost, in a slump… or even worst stuck. The unknown of where to from here, and what does the future hold for me scared the heck out of me. A break-up can do this… You start to question everything and while doing that you forget about living your life with purpose.
I’m a big believer we have an opportunity to grow after a break-up. We need to not let a break-up consume us. If you are finding it hard to move forward it maybe you are feeling stuck. You may be allowing the circumstance to control you, when in fact you can control the circumstance with your belief system. Your mindset.
Having the right mindset, you can do anything. You will be unstoppable.
How to do this? Start talking about it with a friend or a coach, start brainstorming, journal what you want to do in life, what could you be doing now? Start making a list and start ticking them off. Having great support can help you become unstuck. A good friend or a coach can be your cheerleader, your accountability partner. You don’t need to do this alone.
I see many women coming out of a relationship not knowing who they are. Going from relationship woman to single woman is overwhelming and can bring anxiety, stress, and worry. But knowing what direction you are going in can bring you joy, excitement and happiness.
The reality is, we do what we put our minds to. But if you say I couldn’t possibility do that, well of course you won’t. I watched a recent talk from Tony Robbins, there was a woman who wasn’t feeling it in life, and he asked her, “When did you define yourself as the person who can’t do the thing you want to do?”
When was it? Being single shouldn’t stop you from doing the things you want to do. Things in life that will make your life magnificent.
If you are a mother you know we tend to put ourselves last, in some cases we don’t do anything for ourselves. But right now after your break-up it’s even more important to put yourself first, if you don’t put yourself first how can you be the best version of yourself? And what about your children? Are you being the best example to your children?
Falling out of a relationship when children are involved is difficult but we need to be a good example to show them how to respectfully break-up with their father. They will grow up and have their own break-up experiences and if we aren’t respectfully falling out of love and respecting ourselves, then its likely they will mimic the same behaviour… If we change our behaviour we change the behaviour of our children. Showing them and yourself, you do have purpose and you can live the magnificent life you desire for yourself will not only change them and have them looking up at you, but it will release the anxiety, stress and worry in your life and you will start to grow, grow into that spectacular woman you dream of.
With the transition, you need to get real with yourself right now and ask yourself the following questions:
WHO AM I RIGHT NOW?
WHAT ARE MY STRENGTHS?
WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY RIGHT NOW?
WHAT IS ONE THING I ENJOY DOING?
WHAT WOULD MY PERFECT DAY LOOK LIKE?
By focusing on the positives you realise life isn’t that bad and it becomes easier to move forward. We become the person who we believe we are. So if women are believing they are no good, life is hopeless, it’s too hard, it’s going to be that way, and they will be exactly like that. By flipping the thought processes and start believing you are good enough and it will become easier and life is amazing. The change starts to happen.
It’s not going to happen instantly, healing from a breakup takes time. And it’s different for each woman. Each breakup experience is different. Each woman is different. But with a positive mind and a purpose, there is nothing stopping you.
You need to not compare yourself to others. By comparing yourself to another who has been through a break-up or is living as in your eyes happily ever after, is the worst thing you could do for yourself. By giving the compassion, the energy within yourself, how are you able to grow from within and start living the life you desire for yourself?
You need to like who you are! You need to love who you are!
A break-up is an opportunity to grow, to redesign your life, your dreams. You may have had magnificent dreams with your ex-spouse, but there is no reason why you still can't have them. Now you have a chance to redesign them, recreate them, you can still have those dreams, they will just be a little different.
What is going to make your life magnificent? Make it happen!
A parenting plan or a consent order is essential to work effectively for your children with you and their father. It can be hard to set aside your emotions, however it is really important you do, to ensure the best for your children. The purpose of a plan is for long-term decisions for the care and welfare of your children. Knowing what should be in your plan can be confusing and the question is are you covering everything?
Having a plan setup in as much details as possible from the beginning will help you with a hopefully smooth co-parenting relationship. Its best practice to seek professional advice, however, if you don’t have the means to do so you need to know some things first.
For one; people often talk about parenting plans and parenting consent orders.
What is the difference?
A parenting plan is not legally enforceable, however it is a written agreement that is dated and signed by both parents and records their intentions at the time the agreement is signed. Although the parenting plan can be used as evidence in court, it does not have the same enforceability as a consent order and can be reviewed at any time.
A parenting plan is flexible and easy to change by agreement without going to court. However, if you cannot agree and end up going to court, the court will refer to your latest parenting plan as a guide when making parenting orders. So be mindful you are making the right decisions and agreements that are best for your children.
Similar to your parenting plan, however it is lodged with the court and is enforceable if either parent breaches a term of the order. It also gives the parents a sense of finality as once the Orders are made, unless the parents both agree to changing the arrangements. Orders can be difficult to change. If either parent breaches the Orders, serious consequences can apply to the parent who has breached. It is easier to enforce the terms of a consent order than a parenting plan.
Kasey Fox from Farrar Gesini Dunn, says it may be appropriate to use a parenting plan at first if you are amicable or when your children are younger, and you want more flexibility, but that Consent Orders are usually recommended for certainty, particularly in cases of conflict.
The parenting plan is more flexible and will suit some families. However if you have any issues with your ex-spouse it may be best to choose a legal enforceable consent order.
If you and your ex-spouse cannot come to an agreement there are many professionals who can help, such as a psychologist which can add value by helping parents explore their concerns and to provide psychological input/advice to help them make decisions about their children. This can be helpful as it can be a trying time and your emotions may influence the decision for your children and in some cases may not be the in the children’s best interest.
I was also advised, Relationships Australia offers a process known as Child Inclusive Mediation which can help parents determine their children’s wishes without the children being made to feel ‘in the middle’.
The court also has a process where an independent expert can be appointed to do an assessment of the family and provide a report to the court. This person is called a “family consultant” or a "single expert witness".
In any case it’s best to receive legal advice before making any final agreements.
Below are some questions you need to ask yourself when preparing your plan:
How will the day-to-day and periodic costs be shared?
How will miscellaneous educational costs be met? (i.e uniforms, camp expenses)
Will the child support agency assessment be taken into account?
How will you both share health care costs?
How and by whom will the children be fed during the week?
How will the holidays be organised?
What about overseas holidays...How will these be planned?
What is the agreement with each parent?
Are there countries you both agree on?
If the holidays go over into the other parent’s time, will the agreement show makeup time?
How will you organise Christmas, Parent’s birthdays, Children’s birthdays and other important days in your family?
Will there be agreed days and times such as additional visits when it’s your birthday, and what happens when the children have a birthday?
What is the agreement for Christmas, how will it work?Alternate year or shared on the day?
If other important family occasions arise will you both agree to be flexible? And will there be a makeup time if it conflicts with your time?
How will the children communicate and also how will each parent communicate effectively with each other?
When your children are with their father, how will they communicate with you? Phone, text, skype, email.. And vice versa.
And what is the timeframe to return a response to the other parent?
And what is the best way to communicate with each other, on things such as education, sickness, sleepovers and their movements between each home including activities?
A popular tool recommended is to use is https://www.talkingparents.com/
What parenting decisions do you feel require joint consultation?
Will you both need to set up regular meetings to discuss parenting matters?
Do both parents need to discuss how you communicate about parenting matters?
Should both parents agree to include your children in these discussions?
Do both parents need to discuss how you both talk to the children about the other parent?
Should the plan be reviewed and if so, how will you go about it?
Introducing a new partner...
What rules will you both agree on when one has a new partner?
When is the best time to introduce the new partner to your children?
Will you meet the new partner before your children?
What will the living arrangements be and will this be discussed?
What involvement will the new partner have with the children?
Don’t rush the plan, ensure you are happy with it fully. Communication is key right now, voice your concerns and make co-parenting seamless.
You may also seek answers from Relationship Australia, a great booklet to download can be found at:
For further information, contact your local Family Lawyer.
Information sourced by Farrar Gesini Dunn
A BREAKUP IS A TIME TO LEARN. TO HEAL WOUNDS OLD AND NEW. TO BE WITH YOURSELF.
In the early days of your break-up it can feel unbearable.
It’s important to give yourself time to grieve the end of your relationship. Remember every woman grieves differently. You may find yourself crying often, becoming angry, and perhaps even feeling jealous and wanting to lash out. You may become sad, feel guilty, feel betrayed or deny that the relationship is really over. You maybe finding yourself feeling destructive, or even worst wanting to take him back! Or begging to come back.
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling a certain way. It’s normal to be feeling a roll coaster of emotions.
It’s quite common to see women after a break-up unable to move forward and this maybe due to feeling alone. Feeling estranged not from the person who you love/loved but the life you had created together. It can be difficult to adjust, unsure of where you fit, where you fit in your circle of friends, with your family, and in your community as a single woman and possibly as a single parent.
Dealing with the realisation your life path that was once planned and lived with your ex-spouse has now changed, can be hard to accept, hard to accept it will no longer go the way it was supposed to go and with that, you may find yourself going through many emotions. Your emotions may not only be of your current break-up, but ones from before. This may make you feel hopeless and the feeling of loneliness may set in.
Having these feelings and the old wounds that resurface is ok and it’s normal. You need to know that you have to feel this pain to be able to move on. You need to feel these emotions to be able to accept your break-up and start healing.
You must make a conscious effort to notice your feelings during your break-up. By making an effort to feel your emotions you will have a clearer path on accepting it. Ensure you have positive support around you and ensure you are making an effort to look after yourself in a healthy way, mentally and physically.
Are you seeking food or substances to ease the pain? Are you lacking energy and not wanting to socialise to avoid the change?
Remember to come from a place of kindness, a place where there is love only for yourself. Notice how you feel when you use food or substances to ease your pain. Notice your daily routine when you notice you have no energy and just want to curl up in a ball and avoid others. Notice yourself during the day with the actions you choose, are you coming from a place of kindness? a place of love?
Does the food make you feel better or worse? Lacking energy and avoiding loved ones around you, is it really making you feel safe and happy?
Come from a place of kindness and love
Reaching out for support is important if you find yourself self-sabotaging. Giving yourself love and kindness will help you heal in a healthy way. When was the last time you really looked at yourself in the mirror, your whole body, where you could truly say you love yourself? We forget to acknowledge ourselves during a break-up. We do a lot of blaming, and feel less than worthy. You have a choice, choose love for yourself.
Don’t let the break-up consume you, accept the break-up for what it is. The break-up has happened and if there is no chance of fixing it and reuniting, love yourself and allow yourself to move on graciously. Give yourself full undivided attention you deserve.
How would you approach a situation if your best friend, sister or a child came to you? You would give them the love they need and deserve, you would cherish them and be kind and gentle with them.
By accepting your break-up, you are giving yourself a chance to move forward to live a full and loving life. We are here for the full purpose to live, love and experience everything this world gives us. And sometimes that is heartache, but there is more joy, love and happiness in this lifetime than heartache.
Recover, rebuild and renew x
Gossip: stealing your rights…
It can be an uncomfortable feeling being part of a rumour or gossip, especially when people are talking about your family.
I recently had an encounter with a person who knows my ex-spouse and things of our relationship, things that happened during my divorce on other levels too.
If it's not true, it’s stealing your right of who you are.
If it's true, it’s taking away your right to privacy and ownership of your own story.
I don’t have time for it, it’s a waste of energy, however, there was something this person said that made me curious, and from the comment I wanted this person to elaborate. But why? Yes I felt winded, knocked down hard... but does it matter what ever this person would say? It wouldn't change the way I thought of myself, my ex and the way I'm living my life. So with that, I chose to remove myself from the conversation.
It made me think, was this person saying something to see my reaction? Or to hurt me... The reality is it’s not this persons business and to make a comment was hurtful. When this happens, you need to let it go, and not let it affect you.
So how do you deal with someone like this person? How do you let go of the thoughts that run through your mind… wondering about what people are saying and what people think of you.
People have opinions, we are humans, we are curious creatures, and the reality is there will always be opinions good and bad from people you know and people you don't know, or know your story. Sadly, there isn’t a way to keep them from talking about you, but you have a choice on how you react and feel about it. The people who gossip are selfish people, hurtful people and when others want to say things about you, perhaps it's to make themselves feel good...
Was this person wanting to feel good? so they didn’t have to deal with their own personal issues?…
It takes a lot of effort to move on from an unhealthy relationship, from a broken marriage and when you heal yourself from within, you need to accept what you hear, whether it's true or not. Don't give it a life and let the gossip interfere with how far you have come already, just let it go.
Don’t let them dim your sparkle, and burst your bubble, you are better than that, and I want you to remember these four things next time you feel someone is trying to hurt you with gossip:
You are an amazing woman with your own beautiful gifts to share
with your community in your world.
You have a right in this lifetime to not be judged…
Don't give the gossip a life, let it go and move on.
casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details which are not confirmed as true.