So it was real, the break-up was official and yes we were getting a DIVORCE...
I had many people ask me "what are you going to do with the rings? And the jewellery he bought you over the years".
I said I’ll keep them, keep wearing them. I like them. Ok so the wedding ring came off and it will go to my daughter. But I liked the other rings, watch, necklace, earrings…
But over the months, I slowly decided to take them off and purchase new pieces
While travelling to Italy I made a decision to purchase a DIVORCE ring. A ring I can say this is for me, not from him, the marriage is over! I was telling a dear friend of mine and she made the comment, DIVORCE ring sounds so negative. This is a new chapter in your life, it should be called something else, more positive.
She was right. While I was in Florence searching for the right ring, I realised it needed to be a COMMITMENT ring. This ring was a COMMITMENT to myself. A COMMITMENT to the new path ahead, a reminder to be true to me. Once I realised this ring was indeed a positive symbol, I found it.
Handmade rose gold with diamonds all round. It was perfect.
So I was satisfied. I would look at this ring constantly and it would remind me of how far I had already come after my break-up and the realisation no one defines who I am and no-one will.
This ring is a symbol of love, joy, hope and the future. The commitment to my dreams, my goals, the love for this life.
Each day I wear this ring, I love myself a little more. The days I feel flat I look at this ring and it reminds me to keep going.
Having this ring was the push I needed to move in the right direction and I have been ever since.
So have you purchased a COMMITMENT ring for yourself?
A COMMITMENT ring could be any kind of ring. But choose this ring for the right reason. It’s a positive statement to you personally. This ring is a COMMITMENT to you and only you. It does not relate to the past or anyone in your life except you.
Live with love always
Going through a break-up can be difficult.
You feel confused.
Your world has been turned upside down.
You don’t know what the future holds and you sure as hell know the plans you made with your spouse will no longer be.
It is a time to reflect. To find out who you are again. To cherish the beauty in life, because what goes on with a break-up is draining. Especially if you are going through a divorce and when children are involved.
Friends come to support you and it’s wonderful
The thing is you find yourself in a situation where friends you may not have been in contact come back into your life. It’s truly amazing. Your dear friends who are with you always are there even more so.
What I have seen and even experienced is there are only a few that really care, the rest are just curious...
The curious ones, want to know everything that happened, what is happening, they want to dig in deep and find out all the nitty gritty. These friends are so engrossed in the drama of a break-up they are not supporting you, they are supporting their own ego. All it does is bring the negative back into your life when you are trying to move forward as best you can.
When you find yourself surrounded by the curious friends, you really need to tell yourself, “they do not serve me right now”.
There are two options in this situation:
1. You need to be upfront with them and indicate to them the curiosity is not appropriate and you rather not discuss it with them.
2. You need to let them go, by not having them in your life you are able to heal in a positive way.
Letting go of the additional drama from the curiosity of friends is the best thing to do.
Let in the friends who truly care and want to support you. Because the ones who are feeding on any information to hate your spouse and what is going on is only going to prolong your healing. The longer it takes to heal and yes we all take a different amount of time to heal, the longer it will take to move onto the next phase of your life.
What the curious friends don’t know is that it’s wasted energy to continue to talk about what happened in the relationship that caused the break-up. It has happened, and once you have accepted it, you no longer want to dwell on it. Your curious friends need to know it’s none of their business, the reason they maybe driving the dagger into your ex-spouse is because they have their own personal issues and it makes them feel better… right – no one wants to talk about their drama over and over again, the curious ones want to hear it somewhere else.
Remember to be true to yourself and don’t let the curious friend’s interfere with your healing.
Embrace your supportive friends with open arms.
You are doing your best.
Photo: courtesy of BREAKUPBUDDYAPP
Divorce sucks! No-one thinks it will ever happen to them, it only ever happens to other people, right? But when it happens to you, you find yourself questioning everything in life.
On my own divorce journey I realised that yes divorce marked the end of one part of my life, but it also was the beginning of another.
I allowed myself to be open to the divorce journey and feel everything that came my way
As hard as it is, you need to see the positive in your divorce. Even though it is one of the hardest things to go through, difficult to comprehend and it takes time to adjust, it can also be the most liberating experience too. You have a chance to live a life you wish for you. You have a chance to live a life you desire. You can now be YOU, just the way you want to be.
Don’t be afraid to feel divorce and embrace everything that comes with it. Feeling isolated and alone after a divorce will not serve you.
What did my Divorce teach me?
Divorce taught me:
to feel a roll coaster of emotions
I cried, I cried a lot. I would journal. I talked about it.
The longer you avoid your feelings, the longer it will take to heal. If you are having trouble feeling your pain, it’s likely that you are resisting it and resistance is a form of fear. You need to explore the fear of pain and get beneath the barriers and allow the feelings to flow. Don’t be afraid to cry and feel.
to accept my own company
I took off overseas and spent time by myself.
Spending time alone, can be very difficult, especially after your divorce. You have been in a relationship, a partnership with your spouse, and now you are in a relationship with yourself. Give yourself time to hang out with yourself. Don’t be afraid to go out and be. No-one is judging you, no-one is looking at you. Get yourself out into the world and just be. By giving yourself this time alone you can work out what your wants and needs are for the future.
to explore new things
I joined a new yoga studio, and took meditation classes.
Being in a relationship you tend to mould into one. Your experiences may not be exactly what you want. This is the perfect time to try new things. Dancing, travelling, art, whatever it is. Give the fear of not trying a go.
to open my heart
I reconnected with friends and started meeting new people.
As scary as it is, this is a chance for you to explore your feelings, whether it is to yourself or to others. Don’t be afraid to open up your heart and feel. It will take time, but don’t push it away. By pushing it away, you won’t give yourself a chance to open and feel the way you deserve to.
to live fearlessly and be brave
I finished my studies and started helping women through their own break-up journey.
Jump! Not literally. Feel the fear and push through it. When you feel fear, it usually means you want to do it. So do it. Be brave. What is it you want to do, yet YOU are holding yourself back? No turning back. You are now living in the now for the future. LIVE BRAVE LIVE FEARLESSLY.
to let go
I accepted him and forgave him.
When you forgive, you get your power back and you are able to let go and move forward. Remember the past is the past. Sure you will have times where the past will creep up and spook you, but you really need to let go. Without letting go, you cannot move forward properly, the past will always be there... Forgiveness and letting go is a choice. Make the choice to let go.
I love myself.
LOVE. It’s easy, you just have to remember to love yourself first. When you love yourself and love who you are, you will find yourself able to love the beauty in this world we live in, including the people around you. Loving yourself makes it easier for you to love again. Love everything about you and accept you.
It really is the most hurtful feeling when your spouse cheats on you.
The emotions that come with it are excruciating.
When your Husband has an affair it feels like someone has kicked you in the stomach
It feels like your heart stops beating
It feels like you are drowning, gasping for air as you sink below
It feels like you are falling and there is no one to grab your hand to reach out to you
It feels like you’re driving on a mountain going around and around and you are so close to the edge you want to drive off
You find yourself not trusting… anyone… anymore…
You want to throw up
You no longer have an appetite
You question your self-worth
You question everything
You feel rejected
Your eyes are so sore from crying you want to rip them out
You want to hurt yourself to release the pain you are feeling
You know your life is changed forever
And you come to the realisation no one will break your heart like that again...
Before you give up on a future of love and peace remember:
1. His actions have nothing to do with you and your value – When someone who is committed in a relationship and cheats, it shows an act of selfish needs. There is no sense to it. They have insecurities within themselves and try to fill a void elsewhere.
2. Having an affair is a choice – He made the choice. No one made him do this. Whether it was just sex or more, the reasoning is never justifiable. A choice is a choice end of story.
3. You are worth more than his behaviour – His behaviour is an action that is not defined by your worth. This is more about his worth. He does not have respect for himself.
4. His affair tells you about him, not you – For whatever reason, this is all his doing, whether he is happy or unhappy in your relationship, if there is an issue he feels, communication is the key. It goes back to his worth and insecurities.
5. You are beautiful and amazing, his affair does not define you – He does not define you. You also have a choice on how you feel. Always being true to yourself is so important when you experience infidelity in your relationship. Look after yourself.
6. Forgive him - not for his actions but for him, by forgiving him you are allowing yourself to not be a prisoner in grief, but rather having power from within and with that you are able to move on.
7. Remember not all men cheat - Be open to the possibility of meeting someone one day who will love and cherish you and your relationship. Don’t punish yourself and others for his actions.
When you fall in love you don’t know how it’s going to work out. Don’t be afraid to trust again and fall in love. Allow yourself to feel lust. Allow yourself to feel love. You too have a choice, a choice to trust your gut and enjoy. Life is too amazing to be resentful.
Accept and move on with peace and love xo
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you”. Lewis B. Smedes