“I’m so happy to marry again, because now when I walk into a room I no longer feel invisible” Andrea Kelly
I was watching an episode of Hollywood Ex’s (yes trashy reality TV which I love!) and Andrea Kelly was getting married for the second time. What she said on her wedding day about no longer feeling invisible, tugged at my heart. Here was this successful woman or so she seemed, yet she felt she was no-one without being in a relationship, more so married.
Does being married make you a whole person?
Since that episode, they are now divorced and it makes me wonder why so many people dive into a relationship for the wrong reasons. I don’t know her story and really what we watch on reality TV shows is only a small part of what goes on. But did she marry this man so she could feel whole? Do you need to be in a relationship so you won’t feel invisible? Does she really know who she is?
What upsets me about her comment is that Andrea felt invisible after her last marriage, she felt like nobody by herself. This woman, who seems confident, seems to have herself together, needed certainty in her life, she needed confidence within herself and the only way she really felt that was possible was with a man, a man she could marry.
Don't confuse loneliness for love
Did Andrea marry him for the right reasons? Who knows… Maybe she really loved him and it felt right. What I do know and can share with you, is when people come out of a relationship they can confuse loneliness for love. I see too often when people come out of a relationship and they meet someone and have these feelings, temporary feelings, it feels right at the time, and with these feeling more often than not they are getting themselves in relationships for the wrong reasons and quickly.
What you need to remember is when you are happy with who you are and you really have connected with yourself after your relationship break-up, you will realise you don’t need to be in a new relationship or remarry to feel whole, so you don’t feel invisible. When you know who you are from within, that’s when you know you are moving forward in the right direction.
You are you, nobody defines who you are
If you feel like Andrea and can’t see yourself moving forward without being in a relationship, please connect with me. I can guide you and teach you how to put yourself forward and feel whole within.
There is plenty of time to be in a loving relationship with another, right now you need to be in a relationship with yourself as you heal, jumping into a relationship for the wrong reasons will only slow down your healing.
Going through a break-up is difficult. It can be just as difficult for your children too.
So how can you ensure your children will be ok?
By giving them the love and support they need during this time.
Following are 7 ways to support your children during your divorce:
1. Let your children know divorce is not their fault. By letting your children know both of their parents love them, gives them security for their future.
2. Normality is very important during a divorce for your children. You may need to move to a new home*, if this is the case, try keeping their school, after school activities, friendships the same. If you have to move home, keep it positive, include the children in small decision making, such as having them choose their rooms and having their input of where the furniture in the living rooms could go.
3. Don't fight with your ex in front of your children. If you are fighting in front of your children it makes your children uncomfortable and they start to worry and possibly find themselves getting involved and sticking up for one of their parents. The stress of this can be damaging for your children long term. Children don’t need to see it or feel it. A lot of the time, children don’t understand what adult issues are going on, even though they think they do. It’s a lot for them to cope with.
4. Be there for your children. Continue supporting your children in their chosen activities, even if your ex is there. Children need their parents support right now. If you are not on good talking terms with your ex, then stay on the other-side.
5. Open up communication with your children and let them express how they feel. It maybe things you don’t want to hear. However, by allowing your children to express their feelings, will bring you closer and you will have a better understanding of what they are going through. Accept what they have to say. Respond to them in a positive way, by understanding what they are expressing.
6. Don’t push your ex’s family away from your children. Right now they need to be around all of their family, on both sides. The support from their Grandparents or an Aunt or Uncle can be very beneficial. If they are shutting you out and not wanting to express how they are feeling, talking to another adult they trust often may help them deal with their emotions.
7. Don’t put your ex down to your children. This is not the time to feed your children with negative thoughts you have about their father. Your children shouldn’t have to be your sounding board, they shouldn’t have to choose. If you feel you are wanting to express your pain, you should find a close friend, therapist or coach to help you.
*remember a home is where you are with your children. It doesn't matter where you end up, it matters you are together supporting.
My coaching program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help you move forward, including advice on how you can support your children during this time.
Are you ready to live the life you desire?
No one ever thinks they are going to divorce the love of their life, right? But it does happen, and maybe today you are reading this because you too are going through a break-up which will lead to a divorce.
It can be a difficult time, an emotional time
During this time, you may not be thinking clearly, not looking after yourself the right way. I know, I was there. Many years ago my then husband and I had a mini break-up and I didn’t cope too well. I drank more alcohol than I should of and ate anything and everything I knew was not good for me, even though at the time it seemed to be the right thing to do. It was my comfort, I had no self-worth, no self-love for myself. I gained weight, was constantly depressed and upset and was afraid to deal with the outside world.
I felt so alone and wanted to run away. So what better way than to grab the bottle of wine and the pies, chocolates, the chips anything that was filled with chemicals, sugar and more sugar. Only to feel terrible everyday, and some days I didn’t even want to get out of bed. While consuming food that was only feeding on my sadness and not nourishing me was actually hurting me even more. I wasn’t able to think clearly, I disrespected myself and didn’t like who I was becoming. My skin looked terrible, my hair was dull and thinning, I had no idea what I was doing to myself.
I was dying on the inside
This lasted for a few months, until we decided to give our marriage another go.
Fast forward many years later, and my marriage ended for good this time. I swore to myself I would not go down that road again of not nourishing myself and looking after myself. I used what I learned from my training as a health coach and what I had been doing the past few years, eating well, exercising and meditating.
I chose to respect myself this time and what a difference it made
I had more energy this time. I was able to think clearly and ensure I was making the right choices. I kept up with my fitness as I had the energy to jump out of bed each day. Yes I was sad, but this time round, I nourished my body with food that would energise me. My skin looked fabulous and I wanted to be happy and move forward with confidence, I wasn’t dying inside, I was alive!
I made sure I had a green smoothie a day, sometimes three a day!
I was consuming the magic green liquid a few times a week, but wanted to nourish my body in a simple yet nutritional way, everyday!
When you are going through major changes such as a divorce there are a lot of emotions to deal with, there is also so much to sort out, your property settlement, new living arrangements, custody agreements which can lead to caring for your children solely, working and finding out who you are and what the future holds. By allowing myself to become organised and make smoothies daily, I had more time to focus on the important things that needed to be done. Yes nutrition is important too, however when you are going through a break-up it really is the last thing you want to be thinking about. By making smoothies each day, it allowed me to nourish my body with all the good stuff like natural vitamins and minerals without all the hassle.
Some benefits consuming a green smoothie a day are:
Tips when making a green smoothie:
1 frozen banana, chopped in small chunks
1 small green apple cored and chopped
1 cup of frozen mango
2 cups of liquid (such as filtered water, coconut water or almond milk)
1 TBS of seeds (such as hemp, flax or chia)
If you have parsley add a small snippet of fresh parsley
Blend and enjoy
My coaching program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help you move forward. I want to infuse radiance and joy back into your life by showing you how to lovingly nourish your body, your mind and your soul.
Are you ready to live the life you desire?
* Alkaloid build-up is from consuming too many of the one type of green leafy vegetable and can harm your thyroid. Some symptoms of alkaloid buildup are nausea, tingling in finger tips and fatigue. The thing you need to remember is that you would need to be consuming a ridiculous amount of the same greens everyday. I recommend rotating anyway to give your body a chance to consume the benefits of all greens.
Before changing your diet, please consult your doctor.
The pain in my heart, the short breaths, the panic I was experiencing I will never forget. It was the day I saw I had missed calls, voicemail messages and texts on my phone from my ex-husband. The words from the texts read… CAN YOU TALK PLEASE - CALL ME ASAP - I AM TRYING TO CALL YOU.
Those words will never leave me. My heart dropped, I started shaking, I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t speak. I totally lost it. I was staying with a friend 10 hours away and I am grateful she was there, she was great support.
I was thinking the worst. You never want to hear the worst, especially when you know it has something to do with your children. My son had an accident and was rushed to emergency, and had gone to theatre. Here I was helpless, 10 hours away and I couldn’t do a thing, except cry, scream, and cry some more.
Yes I lost it and lost it bad. I felt helpless. I was emotional, feeling sad, angry and guilty for not being there…
Talking through how I was feeling and doing some relaxation techniques, helped me clear my mind, and I was able to calm down.
Text and calls were coming in, “he is fine”, and “you don’t need to come down”. I was confused and couldn’t think straight. I knew I needed to be there. Being told “no you don’t” just confused me more. I waited up until I could Facetime my son after he woke up. He seemed in good spirit, but the look in his eyes made me realise I needed to be there. I made the bold decision to fly out first thing in the morning. I trusted my instincts and did what I felt was right.
It can be hard being a parent, and when you are a single parent even harder. The realisation knowing we cannot be there for our children all the time is tough.
Walking through the doors of my son’s hospital room, was the best feeling, there he was laying there all bandaged up and we smiled and hugged. I was so glad to be there by his side as he was.
Yes I lost it and lost it bad. What we need to remember is when a situation relating to our children comes along we do the best we can. We need to do what is in our heart, and trust our gut feeling. And when we make the decision, we go with it. It could be the right one or the wrong one, but we do what we think is best. We cannot control every situation and we need to respect our ex. My ex made decisions and I am thankful he was there to do that.
My son’s condition was not too serious thank goodness, and he will be ok.
Remember to reach out for help, when you need it. Remember to look after yourself, relaxing techniques such as meditation and EFT can help you through the tough times.
You are doing your best.