I recently saw a saying on social media and it rang bells with me “The signs you ignore in the beginning are the reasons you leave later. You know right away who’s good or bad for you, don’t ignore that”. So true!
With that I want to share some red flags for when you venture back into the dating world.
Red flags... we tend to not notice in the early stages of dating because we are smitten with him…hmmmm
Ok, so you have decided to ‘get back out there’. It’s seems like forever you have been on a date, right? Well… how do you know if you are dating the right person for you? The only way to find out is to put yourself out there, but first, you need to know what you don’t want in a partner.
Easy enough…. But difficult when you begin to date another who seems perfect on the surface and has you smitten blinding you from the red flags.
For me I have been pretty much single for 4 years, partly by choice and partly by the red flags! Perhaps I have become too comfortable in my singlehood, picky, or just have no patience for a relationship. Whatever it is, you need to ask yourself are you ready to dive in deep with another or are you choosing to see the red flags and move on?
Ok, so here I am 4 years single and have dated on and off, what are some of the red flags?
He focuses on sharing too much of his hatred towards his Ex
It’s a sure fire sign the issues he has of his ex and his hard done by from his ex, is a red flag. A sign he has not let go, is the victim, nor not accepted the break-up for whatever reason. At first I use to think, well he feels comfortable sharing such thoughts, however it is a sign to ‘get out of there’. Someone who focuses on sharing hatred towards their ex is clearly a sign… should you delve into a relationship with this person? Think… you will be surrounded by negative energy and energy that will not go away, there will always be an issue. Something you don’t want in your life. RUN…
Everything is about him
So you are on a date and he tends to speak about himself, constantly… Has he asked you a question about you? Does he interrupt you to share his story when you are sharing something about yourself? When you are getting to know someone, you want to learn about them as they should about you. If you are not able to share and it’s all about him and his life, ask yourself, how do you fit into his life should you jump into a relationship with him?
He becomes too serious too quickly
He is texting you and calling you constantly. Oh it’s nice to have someone new showing you attention. What attention is it you want though? Constant texting “what are you up to” “what are you thinking” “I miss you” all day every day and you have just started dating. This is a sign he has a desperate plea to “let’s move in and live happily ever after”. Someone overtime who could be controlling of the relationship. A new relationship should begin with boundaries. Perhaps you have been single for some time therefore it is nice to get to know someone slowly, while you still have your independence. Jumping into a full on serious relationship with no independence or space is a clear sign it will not last. Watch the signs of how eager your new bae is.
Changes his status of how long he has been single for
If you find yourself with a person who seems to change how long he has been single for, ask yourself has he accepted his separation/divorce? I found I was dating someone who from week to week would change his single status up to a year different! If he is not clear on when he ‘separated’ from his ex, how will you know you will always have the true ‘him’ in the relationship. Does it matter how long he has been single for? And why is he always changing the time of separation? Has he accepted his relationship with his ex is over? And why the justification?
He check’s out when things are tough
If you meet someone who seems to be ‘the one’ but he check’s out and puts his emotions in a box when things are tough, ask yourself, will he be a supportive partner moving forward when you are both going through life together. The reality is, relationships are not always full of rainbows and butterflies such as when you first meet. It has reality in there and if he is not your partner in the early days, I can ensure you he won’t be your supportive partner when you need him the most. If he is pushing you away how can you be on the same page in the relationship? Are you changing within yourself because he check's out?
As the saying goes “The signs you ignore in the beginning are the reasons you leave later. You know right away who’s good or bad for you, don’t ignore that” check in with yourself, notice how you are feeling when you are with him and ask yourself "what do I want out of this relationship".
Don't give up, and don't change your values for the sake of being with someone. Once you know what you don't want in a relationship, you will be in more control of meeting the right one at the right time.
There are plenty of adjustments as you go through a break-up and the transition from your relationship to being newly single will take time. There maybe many challenges coming up as you transition into your new normal, therefore keeping yourself accountable and on track will lead you in the right direction.
It can also be a confusing time, one that is completely normal to feel during your break-up. You may be feeling loneliness, uncertainty, anger, resentment and fear. There maybe moments you cannot control wholly and the not knowing of your future and also the unknown of how to react can be daunting. You are not alone and with a little support and awareness of yourself, you will begin to move forward easier one day at a time.
Let me share with you 5 effective strategies you can begin to do now.
1. Don’t be afraid to cry and release everything you are feeling
Have you cried? If not, you need to and don’t be afraid to. Sometimes there’s nothing like a good cry to make you feel better. Some may say shedding tears to be a sign of weakness, however, crying is an effective coping mechanism to release emotions you are feeling when you perhaps cannot express them clearly verbally. It takes away any negative feelings you may have bottled up inside and releases them. Crying can also reduce emotional stress on your body. So let’s cry!
2. Surround yourself with a healthy group of people
Stay connected with uplifting people. Surround yourself with positive people who will support you in a joyous way. Family and friends are great support, however, if you find them being negative or confused themselves with the break-up, maybe it’s time to join a new group. What is something you are interested in that you haven’t been able to do while in your relationship? Who can you reach out to?
3. Ensure you are sleeping enough
Sleep plays an important role in your overall health. Ensuring you gain enough sleep will begin to heal and repair your heart. Studies have found that short sleeps can negatively impact some aspects of brain function similar as alcohol intoxication. With that, try to have at least 7 hours a night and this will safeguard you from making unrational decisions during your break-up. When you sleep well, you function better!
4. Get clear on the values you live by
Going through a break-up can have you react in ways you never knew was in you and with that you may have forgotten what your values are. You may not remember or know what they are and now is a key time to get clear of what is important to you. Being clear on your values and what you live by keeps you accountable and on track, especially in tough situations. By living with your chosen values you begin to live with more purpose. What is important to you? Write them down and when you’re having that moment of everything just seems too hard, remind yourself of your values.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others
The worst thing you could do right now is think the grass is greener elsewhere. Everyone has something going on. We don’t really know what’s happening with others even if we think we do, so don’t compare yourself to the one that looks like she has it all, you don’t know. When you start to compare yourself to others, you have already started to disengage with yourself… let it go, don’t compare. Focus on yourself!
Starting with these five tips will keep you on track and accountable as you begin to heal from your break-up, with more love and happiness within. Start embracing you during this transition.
It's difficult to understand what is happening in your world when you hold onto anger and resentment of the past and with your ex. And I know we all do it, from time to time, feel anger and rage for whatever reason and coming out of a relationship we can feel not only anger but animosity towards the ex, the situation and even ourselves. When you do this, you are destroying your chances of living with joy.
Joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.
You’re probably asking me “How does one feel great pleasure and happiness when one has just had their world turned upside down due to a break-up?”
Let me tell you there are a few things you need to do to live with joy during your break-up. You need to forgive, you need to choose gratitude and you need to accept the break-up. When you forgive, holding onto anger is difficult. When you choose gratitude, you feel lighter from within. And once you accept it’s real you become free to move away with ease.
What if you could see the gifts in the break-up and in your ex? How would you feel if you chose love and gratitude first? What could you be grateful for?
If you chose to forgive what you receive is freedom within yourself. By forgiving others and this includes yourself for the break-up, you allow yourself the power back into your life. You gain yourself back. Forgiveness will set you free.
And when you choose gratitude and choose forgiveness, you can then accept the reality of your break-up. Nobody likes a break-up, it damn well hurts, but it can happen… so let’s learn to navigate through it, with peace and joy.
Make the choice to find the gifts during this change. I am not saying it’s going to be easy or the gifts will be easy to come by at times, but for me it taught me to understand myself, for I had lost my identity, I didn't even realise this loss during the transition of my break-up.
For me… I was still growing as a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a colleague, a friend. Let’s face it we are forever evolving and what I didn't know was I was stuck, I had let a relationship that was no longer serving me for me and with that I wasn't evolving. I lost who I truly was and it wasn't until I left and started to rediscover who I was that I found myself again. It was a scary step and it took time, and there were struggles, but once I decided to choose gratitude and joy over anger and resentment, the shift came. I not only forgave my ex but I also forgave myself for the relationship.
It's difficult to understand what is happening in your world when you hold onto anger and resentment of the past with your ex. Being able to understand what your ex is feeling and was feeling in the relationship, seeing it not only from your view, from your side, but looking at the relationship from their view and their side too will help you accept. At first I held such anger towards my ex, towards myself and it wasn't serving me, it was hindering my recovery.
Going through a divorce can bring up a lot of feelings and not just from your divorce. It can bring up other significant painful feelings throughout your life. Ones that maybe you never truly dealt with. For me there were ones that showed up on the worst possible moments when I was trying to work out all the roller coaster emotions I was experiencing. I had to back track and deal with all of the pain, I needed to see it for what they were and did out of the repressed pain and accept. Forgive. I needed to be ok with all of what I was feeling. By giving myself the time to feel all the emotions and understand what was happening gave me the power, the power that gave me back.
No matter how hard and painful your break-up is right now, remember choosing anger with resentment and hate, will not serve you. The energy you are using is energy wasted. Whatever you put out into the world with your thoughts and actions, you will receive back, so be mindful what you are focusing on during your recovery. Take a moment to tune into your thoughts and actions today. Have they been full of love and joy? Or of anger and negativity? What you put out into the world you receive right back to you. Show love and love will find itself back to you.
Are you struggling through your break-up?
Connect with me today and let's begin
We have all been through a break-up and when that first moment is all too real and your relationship is over hits, it hurts… a lot… your heart aches, your appetite disappears and all you want to do is cry, or scream, perhaps both. However the reality is, at some point you need to let go to move on. Maybe this is not your first break-up and you have been through it before, and you know you will survive the break-up. I know it’s hard at first when you are in it, but you will get through it, you just have to let go.
Let me share some tips to help you in the first instance so to having the letting go come easier and having you move on sooner.
Remember why the relationship ended. I am a huge believer we need to focus on the positives from a relationship that has ended, and I don’t want you to stop that, sometimes we tend to want our ex back because we are lonely or scared of the unknown as a single person, so we tend to forget what brought the relationship to the end. I don’t want you to dwell on it, but for a moment what was it? Was it him? Was it you? Be honest with yourself about the relationship. Did you like the way you were in the relationship? A lot of the times, we don’t and once you realise and release, the power of moving on sooner and living the fulfilled life you desire begins.
You may be feeling broken, scared even, as if you have been through battle, trying to survive and trying to make sense of the break-up. Yet, you need to know in your heart, was the relationship serving a positive purpose for you. Were you truly happy? Were you being yourself in the relationship? Take some time to ask yourself; who am I? And what do I want moving forward?
Remember, relationships last as long as they are supposed to. It may feel raw when the relationship ends, but think of what you gain now. Seek out the lessons from the relationship and about yourself.
Some simple ways to help let go right now, is to clear all social media. Yes this means taking a break from Facebook or at least defriending your ex. It may seem drastic if you agreed to stay friends, but the honest truth is, do you want to see what your ex is doing? I say take a break from Social media just in general, as it can be time wasting and it can also hinder your healing. Really is everything you see on Facebook or other social media platforms the true picture? Let social media go for now.
Removing photos and other memories of your ex is a great releasing exercise. Now I don’t mean throw it all in a heap and put a flame to it, I’m talking about either giving it back or packing it away or if it doesn’t serve a purpose, remove it from your home. Anything that will remind you of your ex, needs to go and now. Don’t be hard on yourself when removing items, but remember this is a process and it will take time, but when you begin to release you begin to let go.
Letting go is a way to own yourself back. Because no one lives their life exactly how they want to today by choosing to wish the past to appear. The past is that, the past, and you now need to live in the now for a brighter future. A future where you have control on how you want to live your life. A life filled with love and joy. And not letting go of the past relationship will have you confused moving forward.
It’s hard to let go, especially when you are wishing your ex back, I’ve been there, but once you begin to love yourself more, you see a brighter future. It’s like if you decided you didn’t like an outfit anymore maybe it doesn’t fit the way you would like it, would you keep wearing it? I know an outfit is different to a relationship, but let’s be honest, if it’s not making you happy and you are not being yourself, then why stay. And we all know we would have not worn that outfit again.
My question to you is, how much do you love yourself? Do you want to wake up each day hoping and craving for someone that isn’t right for you? Or do you want to love yourself more each day and live the life that will make you want to wake up and see the beauty all around. If you choose you first after your break-up, it is then and only then, you will be brave enough to walk the walk alone and when you have the beauty of confidence, anything is possible for you and a relationship.
It’s not the end of you, it’s the end of a relationship. And when one door closes on a relationship, it makes room for another door to open.